Letters To Rehab

More stuff to stuff

2011-07-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

We had a fairly good weekend, with just our son around mostly, it was pretty good. Nice breakfast at Henry's and you took him to the movies this afternoon, but it felt very unsatisfying to me. I had talked about the bead thing and explained it a couple times, so it seems like if I bring it up, you will make sure it doesn't happen.

I feel like you're still trying to manipulate and control me, and keep being reminded of times in the past when you did. I don't want to view everything in the light of my now clearer understanding of your motives, that everything was directed toward using and getting drugs, but it seems that so much was designed to allow you to go use. And so much was said to throw a smokescreen over your actions. It's so tangled up and confused and ugly.

and if I express any unhappiness or sorrow, I'm all angry and all is hopeless.

I get a feeling of hopelessness after spending time with you, the sense of life is useless, tiring and futile. I think it's a spirit of despair. But God has not given us a spirit of fear and despair, but of power and love and of a sound mind.
You said that I and Marlie and Pastor Thomas think you haven't suffered enough, haven't hit bottom and we want you to suffer more. That is so far from all of our minds. Thomas is thinking about the ministry in Haiti, Marlie is working on her own addiction and separation from Mark and I'm just wondering if we can ever get back together. And if we should.

I have found quite a bit of peace living without the constant criticism and drama. I miss you so much, the you that could be kind and loving. That could be here with me, that could enjoy time together.

But that you has been gone for so long, I don't know if you exist. You seem to exist in a little foxhole that holds you and you peep out of it once in a while. Then drawn back inside yourself and talk to yourself repeating the words that must go around in your head. It's pretty creepy. And sad. you would rather live in a tent than here, and alone than with me, and lose your children than quit using. and somehow it's all my fault.

Talk to me

2011-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

It was good to be able to sit and talk to you today for a few minutes. But pretty disturbing based on what you said. It looks like old times, accusations and blame for something I didn't do 13-17 years ago -- yet you can't talk about your past - no apologies, no amends for the past two years because we're supposed to look forward, not back.

We definitely have a shot at making our marriage work, but I am still waiting for you to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. Now it's about me being a. a control freak b. not submissive c. preoccupied with too many other things and not having time for you.

I know it is all crap but it is like a knife in the stomach. Really. After waiting for you for 29 3/4 years to stop using you want to talk about what I do wrong, and are angry with me.

Really. And you won't have anything to do with 12 steps, Christian or otherwise, counseling, a sponsor or work a program. You're good. You've got it. Hope so!

SO - you got baptized today!

2011-01-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

It sent a shock wave through the church this morning when you got up to be baptized. And apologized to me, the pastor and the whole church. Most people were in tears - even some who have never met you.

It's funny that I have friends you've never met because you haven't been to church with me in about a year.

When you came and sat beside me and asked "Where have you been?" because I'm not sitting in our usual "spot" and you didn't see me, I thought "Where have YOU been?"

It was good. I was happy you were there.

But I'm still on guard that you won't stay - happy for you to be moving forward . . . happy you are doing well and look healthier.

But our kids are still not willing to see you or have you around . . .. still have a ways to go.

So, you missed an awesome Christmas

2011-01-03T17:04:00.000-08:00

It was great. I kept trying to imagine you being with us, an it kept getting harder and harder. LIke a ghost fading away in the morning, I couldn't even conjure up bad memories . . we were making new ones.

You so missed it.

I did miss you. I had some bad moments, and I think it was awkward and hard for your mom and brother. They avoided me as much as possible. But the kids and I had a really good time, even with the Malaria aka the flu ish stuff.

I heard you're not doing well. I'll keep praying that God will get your attention and break through the demons screaming in your head. Maybe one day you'll just turn around and say shut up! to them.

love
Me

Making Christmas without you

2010-12-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

I'm making the Christmas braids, and doing payroll, and blogging. Dropped the motor of the grinder (only to a chair) and then the Bosch walked off the counter and was hanging by the cord, still running!! Caught it just in time as the cord came unplugged. Sheesh.

Just can't believe it all. I keep reviewing the craziness of the past year and half, plus, 29 years of insanity, using and lying and stealing and breaking promises. And where are you?

Rehab #3.

Sparky said you could call today or tonight. So I've planned and discarded several things I'd like to say to you. I love you. I m iss you. What the hell is the matter with you? Where are you? No, you can't come home.

I'll think about you on the beach. It's kind of interesting just missing you and wishing you were here imagining the good parts. But then I always go back to reality and remember you calling me a bitch and trying to get me to kill you.

Merry Christmas.

Are you there?

2010-12-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

I called today and talked to Sparky. I asked if he really ever talked to you and he said that you avoided him; that he gathers you don't like him.

Probably sitting there thinking no one cares to talk to you, they never counsel you. I think I am sensing that you are just marking time, to say "I did it, it did no good, there's no program that will help me recover."

Someone was using your phone so I got a call today from the bill collectors. I told them you shut the phones off but they said it was reactivated and the bill is now over $400 but the lines are all cancelled now. Another bill for you to pay off when you get out of rehab.

I found a Christmas tree for free last night and we put it up with new white balls on it, with the blue ones and Dale's red crocheted garland. White lights - it looks really pretty. Marlie called me a scrooge because I didn't have a tree up yet. The old one smells like mouse pee.

I have some presents for the kids, they are excited. I hope that they are going to be surprised by something, seems like they know everything they're getting!

I may be able to speak to you on Christmas Eve Sparky said. I told him you might ought to call your mom.

Of course I would like to have you here and hold you and be a family. But I don't think that's going to happen, maybe never. I'm sad for you that you have missed out on the last few years of your kids' lives and mine. We're not sad to not be in your drug world anymore. It's a whole lot more peaceful and safe now.

You're just not the person I fell in love with -- not sure if he ever existed except in my mind.

Merry Christmas darling, we're apart that's true. But I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmasing with you. The lights on my tree, I wish you could see. I wish it every day. Logs on the fire, fill me with desire to see you and to say "Merry Christmas . . . darling."

So far away from me

2010-12-13T19:16:00.000-08:00

To You,
I talked to your friend today, he said he was thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. He had gotten a letter from you, and said it was the first one that sounded a little bit concerned about anyone but yourself. Maybe starting to get your head clear a bit. Not I want this, send me money and cigars and candy, tell Shelly to do this.

Hopefully he can go visit you. He's sending you a box of stuff, so did I from your mom. She was crying, saying she didn't want you to think that she doesn't love you. She can't write or read or make phone calls well at all, and spent hours trying to get a box of stuff from Harry and David sent but ended up not being able to with the PO Box address I had given her. So I said I would get stuff that you like that she used to get for you and send it in her name.

It's Christmas carols and getting out decorations and working while trying to fend off the debt collectors and keep everyone going. It's going ok, just a lot of work every day to keep up. Or keep from getting behind. I'm pretty happy most times, and sometimes I miss you but it's always with that twist of BUT, he wouldn't be with me anyway, he'd be out using or hiding or giving me the cold shoulder, reading or watching movies or driving around. So not like you were here anyway for me the past few years.

I really wonder whether the kids will ever be able to forgive you.

It's so cold, I keep turning up the heat because it's just not getting it. Your friend said it's not the selfish things you begin to miss after several weeks, it's not being able to hug someone or spoon with them on the couch. I miss those things, do you?

Mostly when I dream of you it's a nightmare, I'm caught off guard and afraid you've stolen something and are not supposed to be here. Subconsciously at least, I'm glad you're gone.
But I have had some really amazingly strange experiences in my dreams on the other hand.
I just hope your mom doesn't die before you get your life back together and see her.

Love,
Me

Happy Thanksgiving - No you can't come home

2010-11-25T16:54:00.000-08:00

To You,

I was surprised when you called, and it threw me off for a minute, wasn't aware it was you at first then it clicked.
I had wondered if you would be able to call today somehow. So it was good to talk to you but it sounded like NOTHING'S CHANGED.

It's like slapping a puppy to have to say no, you can't come home yet. No, I'm not dropping the tpo. No, I'm not ready because you're not ready.

I'm sorry for you that your children won't speak to you. We had a nice day, a great dinner, and beautiful weather. I hope you called your mom, she deserves better.

When I re-read some of this it is just so much sadder . . . every day I wonder how I'll go on without you and if you'll ever come home, and if I can make it, and how awful it would be if you didn't.

Maybe you'll be able to call at Christmas.

Please, please get it.

Love, Me

Sry I forgot

2010-11-15T08:25:00.000-08:00

To You,
I know we talked about thinking about each other but can't remember, was it at 9 p.m.? I think I forgot that. Have to put a reminder in my phone. I do feel like you are thinking about me at times, Mondays seem like they have been bad for you, before the day gets cranked up, and sometimes I feel your sadness.

That was always an interesting thing about our relationship, that we can sense each other's thoughts and feelings even at great distance. Now when I'm having a bad day emotionally, I figure it's coming from you and I'm able to shake it off, because there is nothing I can do about it. Hope you have a good day.
love,
Me

Memories of you

2010-11-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

I was driving tonight and remembered -- I think -- times when I would be able to just walk up to you, slip my arms around you under your jean jacket and be pressed against you. We would just stand there holding each other. I could do that any time . . . I think. It has been so long I'm almost not sure that really happened, or if it's just a daydream.

If I had never known the rush of being in love with you, seeing you and feeling so happy that you love me, maybe I wouldn't be so sad now. If I had never married, never fallen in love and been loved, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But I think I would still know I was missing out on the real joy of life.

Not at all sure that this pain will ever end on this side of the dirt. And you just want me to send money, for cigars, and stamps, nuts, candy, envelopes. Yeah, we're all fine here.

The Zombie Addict

2010-10-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

To You,

Addicts are like zombies.

They don't know they're dead. They don't look so good, and they're still stumbling around, but they're dead inside.

They're still looking to steal something so they can score, and use again. And again.

It's hell for them. And those they love.

I think hell for addicts is obsessing about how to use, when to use, stealing and working to get the money, setting up the deal, scoring, waiting until they can use and then not being able to get high. And starting over.

My heart breaks every time I think of you.

love, Me.

Rehab, Take 3

2010-10-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

It has been only two weeks and two days, but it seems like so much longer. I guess because you have been out of our lives for the past couple years - for the most part.

It seems sad that we don't miss you and are happy that you are in a good place -- happy you're not driving in at any time and demanding this or that. I know that you don't want to be the way you are. But you are who you are. It's a J. B. suit inhabited by a whole bunch of cockroaches, like Men in Black. Looks like you but isn't really you.

Let me know when the bugs are gone for good.

One more time

2010-10-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

to You,

Back in rehab. Day two. I had a good day for being told my father is dying. At least I got to get that news to you before you went under the cone of silence for the next 3-9 months.

I joked about that was long enough to have a baby by the time you got out . .. you did not think it was so funny. It would be a miraculous thing for me to have another baby, but just as miraculous - more so -- would be if you came out sober and sane and ready to have a life.

My dad's life is ending and you are just messing around with yours. The choices for drugs that addicts make are so insane to me but then again I make insane choices too.

It's a good thing I have so much time spent alone and handling everything. It was wonderful to see you before you went and spend time with you. Thanks for holding me.

Technically, I don't think I'm supposed to write you. No phones, no nothing. I think it will get harder. But I'm waiting. It's like you're off to camp. Drug camp.

And so much change ahead if my dad passes away. Glad for him, he will be with mom finally.
I hope your mom doesn't pass away before you get to see her again. well, I missed our 9 p.m. meeting of the minds, hopefully you'll be there in my dreams. And in reality come next July.
Love, Me

Back to silence

2010-10-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

So we're back to observing the no contact rule. If I can stop calling you and not go by there, I can maybe clear up what I've done. Maybe not.

Are you really trying to just get out of paying child support? I guess you see it as an imposition and an impossibility. How hard is it to contribute $125 a week to your family? I guess you'd have to actually take a job.

It's easier to just not talk to you right now. I'm suspicious of what your true motives are. I wonder if you really want to be with your family or just get your own way.

Really?

2010-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

God knows why, but I had an extra large drink and was driving by and thought Ï'll give it to him. And then you turn it into an opportunity to take a picture of me breaking the tpo on your cellphone.

OK, Not sure where you're going with this. To prove I broke the agreement so it should be thrown out? Or to gather evidence for a case against me? To try to get me arrested?

Well, I am wrong. I should not come bring you something, or call you or ask you in. I think that you will find a way to wiggle out of paying child support one way or another.

I think you like the drama, or are wanting to use the system to your own ends. What you say and what you do are still not matching up.

My Secred Blog

2010-09-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

It's kind of fun having a secret blog. Of course if it ever becomes not so secret I will not be happy. Supposed to be anonymous.

What's up with hitting return and it goes up to the top of the page? Just put a new ppc ad on yelp for the main business entry, been getting hits off the other one, doing one free room - maybe that will perk some interested where they actually call me.

I told you about this a year ago, reminded you today. See if you find me.
Tag, you're it.

I kissed a boy and I liked it. . .

2010-09-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

Hmm,
Aren't old people supposed to be over it?

But we can't get together because of the tpo. And I'm not about to drop it because then there would be no reason for you to give us any money . . not that you do.

There's just never a job for you . . . never enough money for me. And no, it's not all about the money.

If I was rich maybe I could just work and let you lay around and look for work. But it's just not the economic times for that.

J and I made up . . . he has been working weird hours at night on mopeds taking drunks home. Thinking about quitting school - I gave him some money for gas. His friends at church took up a collection! Gave him $180 and that made his insurance payment.

But he's 3 car payments behind and needs insurance on it. Hopefully he'll keep getting work and study and I can give him enough to get him through. He feels terrible. I don't know how he keeps going.

Sometimes I don't know how I keep going either. I wake up at about 6 and just pray till 8 when I can't stand the pain anymore and get up and start moving.
Getting old sucks.
But I'd still like to suck face with you.

Can't even tempt you to meet me at the grocery store.

You sounded happier

2010-09-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not supposed to call you but it's like a craving. You're my drug. I just want to talk to you every morning when I wake up and when I go for a walk and when I'm alone and when I'm with a bunch of people, and at night and when I'm at church or CR or anywhere else inbetween.

You sounded happy to talk to me and I was just unable to hardly speak. There is so much I want to say and that I'm writing down because I can't talk to you. Then when you're on the phone, I say nothing. Or I come across angry or unable to say what I feel.

But it was nice to hear you sound happier. Not sure if it's because I called or something else was just going well with your day. I asked you just to get your act together and you said you were.

But you're still not taking care of your responsibilities. I'll have to pay your traffic ticket because my name's on it. I don't think you will. Deadline passed, I sure don't want to go to jail for your ticket. I'm already there in some ways - a prison of regrets and disappointment and loss.

It would be so much clearer if you were dead or we were divorced. This is a better scenario, I know, and I have hope that we can be restored and have way better years ahead -- IF. If you stop using. If you become honest and stop stealing and lying. Ok, I'm going to choose to be a prisoner of hope . . .

Old love letters

2010-09-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

I found some of the letters I wrote to you last year while you were in rehab. Some of them were on target for where I am now. One good thing about writing to you -- even if it's on a blog no one sees -- is that I can see it and if I ever wondered how I was feeling, if I expressed myself clearly to you, whether you got the message -- I can say yes.

I had to stop reading after a while and get to work. This is just so sad.

When I don't miss you

2010-09-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

I don't miss you when it's Friday afternoon and you wouldn't be coming home anyway.

When it's Saturday night and you wouldn't be here anyway.

When I do miss you: on holidays, like this past Labor Day at a friend's pool - you would have loved that. When we went tubing with our son, you would have loved racing him down the river. When we walked through the Indian shop, you would have bought him the knife he wanted.

When I go to bed alone, I miss you.

When I wake up alone, I miss you.

When we fight on the phone and you say something nasty like "I'll see you in a year."

In church, when we sit by ourselves, P and I. When we're on a trip and you're not there. When I wish I could call you. When I wish I could see you. When I wake up in the middle of the night.

When I read something I want to share with you. When I'm alone in the doctor's office. When it's time to make biscuits. When we run out of bread. When someone's got to be driven home late. When it's time to clean out the trash. When the lawn gets knee high. When the garden is dying because it wasn't watered enough.

So there are some times I don't miss you. But a lot more when I do. I know, if I would just drop the TPO and let you come home you would be here. In body maybe, like you have been for a few months this year. But I'd rather miss you most of the time than have you here using an drinking and lying and ignoring us and wait until you're clear on why you want to be here. And if you really do want to be with me. All the time.

love,
Me

Have you ruined my life?

2010-08-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find myself thinking of all the ruin and destruction and pain you have caused with your drinking and drugging. The anger and selfishness that follows you like a cloud of dirty smoke. Stealing, lying, hurting your wife, your children, your mother, brother, your friends. And you are the victim.

Every time I think "Wouldn't it be nice if he could be here and we could . . ". I remember that no, you wouldn't be here. You would be off in your own little world of using and selfishness . . . angry, bitter and alone.

You were gone almost all last year, and now I have a protective order for another year. I keep thinking could we possibly come back from this? I know I can forgive, but can you quit?

that's the question.

Super sad day

2010-07-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

After months of more using and abusing, adding alcohol into the mix and getting vulgar, profane and violent, stopping going to church, avoiding sex, your family, stealing checks from the checkbook and cleaning out the company accounts - not coming home every weekend . . . it was time.

One of the saddest things I've ever experienced, sitting in a courtroom waiting for a judge to decide what to do with our life. And a one year TPO was granted. Visitation on Saturdays for our son. (He doesn't want to go.)

Child support to pay. No contact of any kind. My heart is full of things I wish I could say to you, but unfortunately I've said them all and they fell to the ground.

I can't believe you would choose drugs, alcohol, porn and self-centeredness over your 3 beautiful children.

They are doing well - D. cooked a great spinach quiche and almond biscotti, J. installed the dishwasher and P. stayed up with me late watching a movie.

My friends all called to make sure I was ok. And my sponsor stayed with me in the courtroom and even took the stand. I didn't expect that to happen.

All I want is for you to get clean and to live and be happy. If it can't be with us. then so be it. But I will never be happy about today. Unless it starts a change that leads you back to me.

I dreamed this morning that you slipped into bed and wanted to just sleep for a bit, and I was so comforted, but worried - don't we have a TPO? What will this do to the order? We can't keep doing this.

Maybe I'll see you in my dreams tonight. Hopefully you won't be cross-examining me.

when will I learn?

2010-01-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

Last night you were not where you were supposed to be, not where you said you were, which was at a meeting. And your eyes were dilated, and you lie lie lie!

So out you go. 10 degrees, that's your problem. Until the truck died at 5 a.m. and you snuck back in. Out you go, take it with you.

I have so much to do and you only take, not give. I never thought I would be the one taking care of everything and responsible for supporting my children. A lifetime of looking for miracles to carry us through, I'd like to just have a steady work flow and be able to pay the bills without being on the edge of having them shut off.

why did I think marrying an addict was a good idea?

The cops recognize me

2009-12-23T18:31:00.001-08:00

So I had three cops here this time. After you stole the truck, and went god knows where, they finally made it.

And now you refuse to say where you are.

So I cut your phone off.

And I"m still freaking out. I have been working my program for 12 years and this is maybe the worst, right up there with dropping you at the hospital and walking away.

Merry Christmas.

Here we go again

2009-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

So after all these years, 27 of using cocaine, and 28 married to you, I had to call the police for the 4th time this year I think. Using in the basement, in my truck, acting like a hunted animal. Police with their guns drawn in my basement getting you out.
And they still didn't arrest you!
I don't know what it's going to take.
But now you have had a couple from church take you in and Miss Kitty is telling everyone about it in the guise of helping me, telling them to take over my jobs because I'm in trouble.
Only those people that talk to me know what I'm going through.
And to lie to your mother and brother about me, tell them what a horrible person I am.
The only answer I can think of is to make you stay away so that you do not keep doing this to us.

My parents warned me. But I thought I could save you.
Well, you win. I can't do it. Cocaine is your lover, your wife, your master and your executioner.

Still Crazy after all these years

2009-10-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

And what now? Now you say you're not using (stop me if I've heard that before) and just disappearing for 24-48 hours. Just sitting in the vehicle because you're mad or sick or depressed. Not going to work really helps with the bills. And pisses off the customers. Not to mention me.

Listening to Satan's lies doesn't get you anywhere but deeper in depression and in disfavor with your children. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be able to deal with this --although staying strong may not be the best thing for sticking it out on their behalf -- they might have been better off without you. Not sure yet about the last one, he's not ruined yet.

Try again

2009-08-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, we're another 30 days into sobriety, and things are going well. I'm glad you were here with me for this trying Monday. Thanks for the hugs and praying with me and watching Joyce Meyer ""Never Give Up."And using it!

thanks for trying to fix the dishwasher, and goign to your 12 step study and teaching P his Bible this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. And we'll be out of foreclosure!

Keep on trying -- because if we give up, where will we be?

the cracy cycle

2009-07-24T04:08:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. I had to call the police last night to get you to leave the house after a two-day binge. Marlie sat here and argued with you, the police tried to tell me you needed more treatment. At last you left on foot with your sleeping bag.
The bull headedness, just refusing to listing to anyone. Just want to stay here. It was just a slip.

But you don't believe in slips and neither do I.

Because I sent you out to work in the van.

Part of the process, you said. Well the process is going to keep going until you are in jail, dead or we're divorced.

The only options I have if you refuse to cooperate is to get you arrested and charge you with stealing money from our business account -- my account -- or let them search your van for paraphenalia, or claim I'm afraid of you - which I am -- or divorce you.

Which would you prefer? Or go to rehab. Or just go away.

Marlie asked me last night in the meeting "How do you feel?" I had to say I don't. I don't feel. I just have to keep working and keep solving the huge problems. It's like that reality show where the big floaties keep coming and the people have their vision and breathing obstructed with swim mask and fins keep them off kilter, stumbling and trying to avoid tripping. Eventually, most of them fall.

The kids are suffering. I'm suffering. You are too. Please please stop.

Post Rehab

2009-07-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

Oohhh, no. Not again. After 7 weeks of detox and rehab, and a week of halfway house, only 90 days sober and you're gone. Not able to answer the phone, not calling in all day, not coming home from work.

I know you've called customers so the phone works. But you will not pick up my calls or call me. Because you can't or I'd know. What I don't want to know.

I told you the other day if you went back out I'd just go bankrupt, sell everything, leave and go live in Oklahoma near my family. I don't really think I will because I would probably have to leave a couple children here and they don't deserve that. But this is so bad. To think of all the time, money, tears spent helping you get sober and you're gone again.

This is going to hurt you a lot more than you realize.

Probably me too.

Crunch Time

2009-05-30T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's the last week of this 6 week program for you. AHHH!!!
All the phone calls begging me to let you come home, trying with everything you can think of to make me do what you want.
You want your phone, your truck, back in the house. You promise you'll fix everything, clean up the yard, garage, spend time with me. You want a ride to meetings, a date, food, to sleep in your own bed. Of course!

All those are great things. But trying manipulation, lying, anger and threatening me with divorce if I don't do what you want tell me that I'm no where near seeing what I'm wanting to see in your life yet.

I am pretty sure that it's not my job to find you a place to go and handle it all for you. And I know that as a co-dependent I cannot pay your bills, give you money or support bad behavior in any way.

And that I am very very weak where you are concerned. You can turn and twist my thinking around in 10 minutes, to where I doubt my previous conclusions, reached through prayer and counsel with spiritually mature, recovering believers who want the best for you also.

My worst time last night after all the things you said, feeling torn and guilty and afraid, was dissipated like fog as the sun came up in the morning. Suddenly I realized that clarity had come.

My sponsor's words, the deep care in her eyes and my admitting I was nearly helpless to withstand your accusations and pleading. I saw that I had been expecting (!) that you would make the right choices for yourself in going on to an after care, long term rehab or that your counselor could persuade you to do it. But really, nothing short of me saying "You cannot come home" will cause you to choose recovery. Otherwise, you'll come back home. And as my sponsor said, "You'll be signing his death warrant." When it is put to me that way, I can see that I would be selfish and not accomplish the goal of seeing you sober, happy and home. It's too soon. She advised me not to talk to you any more about this, so that I am not manipulated and torn apart needlessly. I can't quite do that yet but I'm almost there.

When you accused me last night of me not being together with you on recovery, that was such a lie.

Like I told you, I'm still here. Taking care of your children, your home, your business, without your help. Just like I've been doing for many years.

Every time I get sad and am temped to long for you to be near me, help me, be in bed when I wake up, I remember so clearly the hundreds of times I wanted that and you weren't here then either. Better to be gone to rehab than gone using.

And best of all, my truck is in the driveway where I left it! And the fuel is still in the tank!!

Lies, lies

2009-05-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

To You,

Well, I have to hand it to you. Addicts are so cunning. If you say something horrible and it gets back to me like what you said Friday night -- you just say "I didn't say that." 2 witnesses -- "they're wrong". And, then you just ignore what I said and assert that you will be home in 2 weeks to fix the toilet, the mower, etc.

or NOT.

LIke I said, I will not be there to pick you up. Find a ride to your next stop on the recovery-go-round. It is not going to be here.

I have too much at stake -- the thought of you mucking around in my vehicles using my gas, waking me up, doing whatever and expecting me to pay for it -- no no no.

Talk to the hand!
NO!

But you just keep right on.

Fortunately, I know how to get rid of you if you won't take yourself off. I guess I don't need to obsess yet, I have not quite 2 weeks.

Constant feeling of anxiety most of the day until I realized that it might not be me -- maybe I'm feeling your anxiety. You did have a migraine, you said. Withdrawal from caffeine, cigars, cocaine all in 6 weeks? It usually just makes you squirrely. Glad I'm not there to experience the drama.

Not so in like with you right now.

From Me.

Not doing so well?

2009-05-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

To You,

I had a bad report this morning from a couple people who talked with you last night. It makes me sad to hear that they don't think you're doing as well as you say you are. It really does no good to put on a good front for me and then really be just as angry and negative as always. So you have no respect for the program you're in, the counselors don't do a good job, the meetings are not so good always, the people are annoying, the food is bad, you can't sleep. This is nothing new.

But what really got me was your comment - -you didn't realize that I'm her sponsor. She was truly troubled all night wondering if she should say something or if it would be breaking anonymity. I told her no, I had already heard it from someone else, and that she's not his sponsor, it wasn't in a meeting, it was outside where more than one person heard what you said.

And if that's your attitude, maybe you will be thumbing it to wherever you are going next, because I'm not coming to give you a ride home, that's for sure.

You've got two more weeks there. Use it. Or lose it.

Sadly
Me

Finding a meeting

2009-05-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

I found the recovery meetings by looking in the library for books on addiction. I found "How Al-Anon Works: for families and friends of Alcoholics." I read it through. Twice. And thought: They've definitely got something here, but I'm not understanding how this applies to me.

So I went to a local Co-Anon meeting, for families and friends of cocaine addicts. I stayed for 6 years, learning about the 12 steps and traditions, and learning how to help others.

Then we began Celebrate Recovery at our church, and I jumped in to help with the co-dependent meetings, worked the 12 step study (a one-year course) a few times, and continue to do that today.

I strongly urge anyone with a loved one using or drinking, to get help for yourself. The help is there -- you just have to reach out and take it.

Back to You

2009-05-21T05:50:00.001-07:00

May 17
To You:
I am wondering what you want to talk to me about that you find interesting in my letters. Maybe you could talk now or write back instead of just talking about your cleaning jobs and stuff. I do appreciate that you are not complaining constantly about things that are not to your liking.

I’m sure if I couldn’t sleep due to your snoring it would be bad (this does not take too much imagination). As it is I wake up at 2:30 – 3:30 and sometimes can’t sleep, but I’m doing better at not starting to think about the problems I’m facing. They don’t tend to get solved then!
Ps. 91 is the only cure for it if I start thinking . . . three times through repeating it from memory and I’m asleep. I picture myself in the palm of God’s hand, like those pictures of tiny preemie babies being cupped in a man’s hand. Just cradled, and protected and safe.

It was great to see you today – I’m glad our son came to see you too. I wondered why you didn’t try to talk to him more – but you don’t seem to know what to say to him. I just ask him about his books or computer and he’ll eventually start on something. He feels that your location is a secret that should be kept from his friends. So he’s a little freaked about Jacob and Jessica finding out where you are. But they’re oblivious!

He has been very huggy and needed a log of reassurance. He tried to get to sleep with me but I told him I’d be up too late. Nip that in the bud.

Watching MASH-a-thon for 4 hours, it’s so good. Love it.
I’m very excited about this blog and hope that my plans for it don’t get lost in working and housework, etc. I tend to see the vision but working it out takes a backseat to everyday chores. I’m hoping it may be helpful to people in similar situations. Being anonymous, I think I can say more. I may even be more hones than I would be with you.

I wrote the first one and just couldn’t stop.
I was really freaking out, and thought so this is where we end up. Is this where it ends?
I won’t say how many years we’ve been together, but a long road. In the ER with you going to the psych ward. Great.
I’m not walking any farther along this road with you, but if you want to join me on mine, that would be ok. I felt a little guilty just walking away. There was nothing I could do for you. Except go home and take care of our children.
Love, Me

p.s. I saw a book titled Passion by John Eldridge, on the nature of sex and how the Bible talks about the marriage relationship being a picture of our intimacy with God. Trying to get my mind around that. There have been times when it was a truly spiritual experience. And then other times when I felt used, like when you were using and couldn’t get there because you were so high – and the feeling that we weren’t together, so of course we couldn’t get anywhere. But when it’s good it’s very very good. And when it’s bad, it’s horrid.

Pps: Phil 1:19-24 For I know that as you pray for me and as the spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will all turn out for my deliverance . . . Sometimes I long to go and be with Christ (be done with this painful marriage) That would be far better for me, but it is better for you (and our children) that I live. See verse 27 also.

From You to Me

2009-05-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

5/12/09

Dear You

I got your letters this morning. Thanks for sending shirts and my notebook. I actually slept 6 hours straight last night.
I’ve read the letters several times today and I break down and cry each time I think of all the hurt I’ve caused. How can you ever forgive me but I too am hopeful because of God’s word that things can be restored.
I am truly sorry and I want to show you I can be the husband, friend and father everyone needs.
I can’t imagine life without you and our children. I do love you all. I want to sit and walk with and eat with and be with you all.

Thanks for all the scripture references. Some are the same ones I’ve been running across in all my step scripture study. I’ve done principles 1, 2, and 3 already. Just pouring myself into the recovery Bible. Seems to be doing the most help. Most of the stuff here just seems to be busy work and I don’t mean to be negative about it there are some benefits but let’s not go there right now.

You know I understand you can’t come on weekends. Don’t feel like you have to –just looking forward to graduation day.
6:30 Tuesday night Overcomers Meeting – these are ok, basically Christian 12 step.
I guess I still prefer Celebrate Recovery.
Love, Me

5/15/09
Dear S
Wow, it’s been 3 wks already, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I called yesterday and missed you and got to talk to P. so that was great.

I hope you have a safe and enjoyable weekend in Nashville.
I’m really tired, still only getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. Last night I got at least 5 hours. It’s kind of good you’re not coming this weekend, that will give me the time to finish my first, secnd and third steps that need to be written out.Talk about Torture!

K, “Preacher Man” graduated today, but will remain as a Servant Leader. What a blessing that will be to have him here for good spiritual support.

Hope and pray that things are going a little better at the house. Thank God for D. helping out. A couple of nights ago I had a cool worshiping dream, just real quick but pretty neat. I can’t really explain it too well but I was looking down and saw me and D on the worship team and our joy was electric and I could see the connection between the two of us.

When I first got here Bruce asked me to do 3 things, I can’t remember the 1st 2. But the 3rd was to let God handle it at home, so it has been a little easy to do that most of the time, but sometimes it’s hard, but having to trust God that things will be ok, till I’m able to come home. Looking forward to that day and night.

It’s kind of weird because by the time you get this we’ll have talked but I guess I can’t tell you all these little things in just 10 minutes but you know how tough it is for me to put it to paper.
Love
Me

Kids and their new bf/gf

2009-05-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

May 18

To You,

So we just talked. I’m sorry to get you upset. Talk to your counselor. Jms said it’s up to you to ask him for a meeting.

The kids were here with their new dating interests and ate the rest of the falafel and tabouli around 10 p.m. I think D’s new boyfriend is ok, he seems very young and harmless. More into rock climbing than anything, but wants to become a firefighter and then go to art school. I get the feeling he just graduated high school.

Rachel looks beautiful! Can’t believe Jesse is able to get her!
I’m thinking seriously about going to see my family this weekend. I’m very uneasy thinking about you being in town and me leaving. I know you would be over at the house messing around with stuff and taking my vehicles and draining the gas.
There’s an element of pain involved with just thinking about you being here, taking the truck or being alone in the house. You’ve always taken that as an open invitation to bgo mad.

Not sure if it will work out, I need to pay the insurance for 2 months, plus bills and two house payments. Just waiting for money to come in.

The woman said she isn’t going to rent the house. I couldn’t go see the other guy about it today..

I’m still not convinced the Poppers stuff wasn’t yours. I had been driving the truck, and digging around for coupons and never saw it. It had been 3 weeks since your druggie friend was in the truck using it like you said. Besides making me go insane over the sheer stupidity of having that man in my vehicle and lying about where you were to cover up that you drove him around USING UP MY DIESEL when I had asked you to have nothing to do with him – to have him leave a dangerous inhalant where our son could find it and nearly inhale it. It could have killed him. You see this as a mistake, not your fault – but you deliberately took my vehicle, took that man, let him use in the truck and somehow even though you were living in it at night never found inhalants in it. I don’t believe it.

Sometimes I have pain in my heart because I miss you, yet I can’t trust you to be here with us yet.

There are two huge piles of dishes but whatever, I’ve been working all day. Well, write me.

Love, Me

Nashville

2009-05-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

May 15, 2009

To you

I love this bed. And I got the room over the garage --- it’s quiet, and a gentle rain is falling, I’m kind of away from the rest of the bedrooms so it feels very private.
I’ve been reading one of their books about the depression, about two brothers who have to leave home at 10 and 15 to find work so they don’t take away from the family’s small food supply. To think of kids not having more than a couple potatoes for everyone, and being hungry all the time. We never go hungry.

Jess is staying at the house while I’m gone, but P said he woke up at 1 a.m. and D had a boyfriend over, watching a movie. He was upset that this was going on in the middle of the night, as I would be if I was there. Sigh.

It is quiet here, I hope to be really busy today and help sell lots of books. My goal is to help her get the $1300 she needs to pay off the credit card bill for the foundation. (I did it! We made $1400!)
All I got for dinner was white rice, white bread and steamed carrots. I’m going to have to find some food that is more nutritious . . .
I heard our friend D came and spent hours mowing the back yard. The grass was over P’s head, and he just couldn’t do it. I heard it looks beautiful.
Some kid came by looking for you, C said he gave her bad vibes.
From me.

The history -- the damage

2009-05-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

May 21

I am sending John a paper copy of this daily meditation by Ron Hutchcraft on the benefits of hurricanes, bringing cleansing even in the midst of destruction, so that new life can begin.

I was writing a list last night after talking to John, he is asking to come home in like 2 weeks, and I don't have an answer for him in the affirmative. I'm still praying about it. His contention that he has church, recovery groups, friends, his family, CA, NA, AA, CR -- it sounds good, like a great plan, and it could work. But here are some times that he said the exact same thing and it didn't work:

1989 - When I learned you were using cocaine (at Liberty church), when Jesse was 4. We separated for a week - I left, and they recommended that if it happen again, we separate for a month, and if again, that I divorce you. So we separated again for a month when you relapsed again.
Continually using - 1990, when I was pregnant with Dale, we separated a couple times, and you lived with another family in the church for a while.

4. When she was a newborn, I just remember her having colic and you having to leave because we weren't living together.

5. When I was pregnant with Parker, we separated and you were using the whole time, 2-3 times out of the house, I left at 8+ months pregnant with the other children and stayed with a home group leader until they took you to Alabama for a few days, then Parker was born. You went to outpatient rehab and did a couple 90 in 90s, relapsed within a few months and lost your job.

6 When Parker was 4 months old I had appendicitis/infection and surgery and you left me in the hospital and used all night with him in your care. You didn't come back to the hospital for me, or bring the baby, I had to get friends to come get me and get released the day after surgery. Came home to a wreck of the house and the pastors insisted that I not put you out. I was ready to divorce you then.
I was afraid DFACS would take the children because I had to tell them why I had to get out of the hospital right now to take care of a nursing baby.

7. When Parker was 5 - not remembering many details right now

8 2007 - 2009, pretty much using or working up to it -- acting like an addict, staying out all night or till 1 a.m., going to the movies instead of to work, watching movies in the van instead of going to meetings. I had reports from customers that you had been drinking on the job. You would leave for work, then not show up, not answer the phone, lie about jobs being cancelled and take the money. You were not going to work, staying out all night, cold, unresponsive, separated a few times, but you would just lie and say you weren't using.

You stole money from the company, wrote checks when you were not an authorized signer, took cashwith the debit card, took every dollar I had. I had to get just a couple gallons of fuel at a time so that you couldn't just go drive around and use it up and I would then have to buy more anyway the next day or so. You were living in the truck or van, and keeping it so that I could not have anyone else work.

When I asked for help with something one day, you gave me the most hateful look and said if you did in fact help me with what I needed "I was going to have to pay." I saw satanic hate - I don't think it was "you" but it was you sitting there saying it.

I felt like God was saying "give him enough rope, he'll hang himself" and it wouldn't be about me trying to find out whether you were using. The past 5 months you've been staying out every week, two weeks, and separated. You resisted all attempts by me, friends, CR, pastor to admit you had a problem and get help.

And now, in 5 weeks, you're good. I'm sure you are sincere, but I'm not sure that coming back here is good for me and the children. They are not ready for you to come back, and neither am I.

I've literally seen the demon on your back with its claws in your brain saying "I'll never let him go." They guys who picked you up from Detox said when you saw who had come to get you, a demonic look of hate crossed your face. The reason this has escalated I believe, is that I have openly stated that you need deliverance, and the powers possessing you to use cocaine and act the way you do are not going to let go easily.

I don't hate you, I love you. But I can't invite those demons back into the house. You don't believe they are there, but I know their influence is still there. Unless you go through complete deliverance, I think that you will continue to be dragged back into using.

Permanent Brain Damage?

2009-05-21T05:41:00.000-07:00

May 14, 2009

To You,

So I missed your call today, I heard that you got to talk to our son.
We got to Nashville ok, it’s such a pretty area north of the city.
I was reading a website about cocaine addiction – the info was pretty hard to take but truthful – at least cited a lot of studies that seem reputable. As far as the statistics and long term/permanent damage done to the brain – it’s pretty bleak.

I can’t see you getting back into a van and driving around in the vehicle you used in so much. Doing work for our company just is not an option anymore. You would be triggered, especial when it’s only a few weeks. I think not having you work for the company is better.

J is doing well, hopefully he will be able to do the job.

Love, Me.

This is just wrong

2009-05-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Spent about 5 hours driving you some clothes and your Bible, and some money for phone calls. So I'm scraping by on nothing and have to give you money, but I guess I do want you to call me.

And not collect!
I know I left you with the clothes on your back, so it has been a few days. It was surreal having a huge man in scrubs reach his arm out to take your bag, and just walk away, and drive another couple hours back home.

I had to ask our son's friend's mom if she would watch him all afternoon, and tell her why.

I know most of these folks will never let their kids come play again if they know you're home.

I've gone beyond shame and embarrassment.

And you kept calling and calling.

I can't do anything for you.

Off to the nuthouse

2009-05-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

I thought where they were taking you was better for drug detox, but you describe it as pretty much a nuthouse. Oh well. I don't have a lot of time to worry about what you are going through.

I'm not going to take collect calls, so just stop.

I'm sorry you're in pain and I know you're sorry but there is nothing I can do now. You're in the grip of the system. Institutions, jail or death. I thought we were heading for death, personally.

The police never could catch up with you.

Maybe I should have helped them a little.

You've really left me in a pickle. I'm trying to keep the business running and have no money. I'm not even spending my emotional energy on you right now.

From me.

Day 2

2009-05-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

To You,

So you figured out how to break into the hospital phone system by watching the nurses key in the code .... and you're calling me and calling me.

I noticed there was a policeman sitting outside your door, one for each patient in the little "containment ward" of the ER. What are they thinking, letting you use the phones? Oh, you've probably made buddies with them.

I guess it's the Irish in you, that you can talk anyone into anything. Maybe if I hadn't been so gullible I wouldn't have believed that you'd stop when we got married. Why didn't I think "What if he stopped before we got married . . .what if we waited to get married until he's sober." I think I was afraid I'd lose you.

The funny thing is, I lost you anyway . . . at least you lost yourself.

I really don't want to talk to you. I got home at about 2 a.m. -- you're not at all concerned about me, or the kids. But you're still high so WHATEVER!!

I am so glad that I started going to co-dependent recovery meetings 11 years ago. It has taken me this long to get the courage to follow through for longer than a few weeks of separation. I'm turning you over, to God and to the folks who work with screwed up addicts. Maybe they can do something with you.

They can take their time, it feels good to go to sleep and not wonder if my vehicle will still be in the driveway when I wake up, or if you will sneak in at 4 am. and take a 45 minute shower or if my debit card will be gone. And my gas. I'm glad you're far, far away.

From Me

A letter to You from Me

2009-05-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

To You,

I don't even know exactly where you are, so I don't know how this will get to you.

I dropped you off at the emergency room and left at 1 a.m. I had to get home for the kids, even though our daughter is 18, I don't want to leave her there all night. And there seemed to be nothing left for me to do.

I really felt relieved to walk away and leave you there on the bed in the ER. Let them worry about you for a while.

I'm sure I'll feel something like grief sometime. Right now I just feel revulsion.

I don't think I can even repeat some of the things I heard you say tonight, acting like "Us Junkies" are so cool. You just "did a little too much cocaine."

I have no idea where this is going to go and what it means for us and our children. I just know that I can't handle it anymore -- and you need help.
Love,
Me