More stuff to stuff

We had a fairly good weekend, with just our son around mostly, it was pretty good. Nice breakfast at Henry's and you took him to the movies this afternoon, but it felt very unsatisfying to me. I had talked about the bead thing and explained it a couple times, so it seems like if I bring it up, you will make sure it doesn't happen.

I feel like you're still trying to manipulate and control me, and keep being reminded of times in the past when you did. I don't want to view everything in the light of my now clearer understanding of your motives, that everything was directed toward using and getting drugs, but it seems that so much was designed to allow you to go use. And so much was said to throw a smokescreen over your actions. It's so tangled up and confused and ugly.

and if I express any unhappiness or sorrow, I'm all angry and all is hopeless.

I get a feeling of hopelessness after spending time with  you, the sense of life is useless, tiring and futile. I think it's a spirit of despair.  But God has not given us a spirit of fear and despair, but of power and love and of a sound mind. 
You said that I and Marlie and Pastor Thomas think you haven't suffered enough, haven't hit bottom and we want you to suffer more.  That is so far from all of our minds. Thomas is thinking about the ministry in Haiti, Marlie is working on her own addiction and separation from Mark and I'm just wondering if we can ever get back together. And if we should.

  I have found quite a bit of peace living without the constant criticism and drama.  I miss you so much, the you that could be kind and loving. That could be here with me, that could enjoy time together.

But that you has been gone for so long, I don't know if you exist. You seem to exist in a little foxhole that holds you and you peep out of it once in a while.  Then drawn back inside yourself and talk to yourself repeating the words that must go around in your head.  It's pretty creepy. And sad.  you would rather live in a tent than here, and alone than with me, and lose your children than quit using.  and somehow it's all my fault. 

Talk to me

It was good to be able to sit and talk to you today for a few minutes. But pretty disturbing based on what you said. It looks like old times, accusations and blame for something I didn't do 13-17 years ago -- yet you can't talk about your past - no apologies, no amends for the past two years because we're supposed to look forward, not back.

We definitely have a shot at making our marriage work, but I am still waiting for you to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. Now it's about me being a. a control freak b. not submissive c. preoccupied with too many other things and not having time for you.

I know it is all crap but it is like a knife in the stomach. Really.  After waiting for you for 29 3/4 years to stop using you want to talk about what I do wrong, and are angry with me.

Really.  And you won't have anything to do with 12 steps, Christian or otherwise, counseling, a sponsor or work a program. You're good. You've got it.  Hope so!

SO - you got baptized today!

It sent a shock wave through the church this morning when you got up to be baptized. And apologized to me, the pastor and the whole church.  Most people were in tears - even some who have never met you.

It's funny that I have friends you've never met because you haven't been to church with me in about a year.

When you came and sat beside me and asked "Where have you been?" because I'm not sitting in our usual "spot" and you didn't see me, I thought "Where have YOU been?"

It was good. I was happy you were there.

But I'm still on guard that you won't stay - happy for you to be moving forward . . . happy you are doing well and look healthier. 

But our kids are still not willing to see you or have you around . . .. still have a ways to go.

So, you missed an awesome Christmas

It was great. I kept trying to imagine you being with us, an it kept getting harder and harder. LIke a ghost fading away in the morning, I couldn't even conjure up bad memories . . we were making new ones.

You so missed it.

 I did miss you. I had some bad moments, and I think it was awkward and hard for your mom and brother. They avoided me as much as possible. But the kids and I had a really good time, even with the Malaria aka the flu ish stuff. 

I heard you're not doing well.   I'll keep praying that God will get your attention and break through the demons screaming in your head. Maybe one day you'll just turn around and say shut up! to them.

love
  Me

Making Christmas without you

I'm making the Christmas braids, and doing payroll, and blogging. Dropped the motor of the grinder (only to a chair) and then the Bosch walked off the counter and was hanging by the cord, still running!!  Caught it just in time as the cord came unplugged.  Sheesh.

Just can't believe it all. I keep reviewing the craziness of the past year and half, plus, 29 years of insanity, using and lying and stealing and breaking promises.  And where are you?

Rehab #3.

Sparky said you could call today or tonight. So I've planned and discarded several things I'd like to say to you.  I love you.  I m iss you.  What the hell is the matter with you?  Where are you?  No, you can't come home.

I'll think about you on the beach.  It's kind of interesting just missing you and wishing you were here imagining the good parts. But then I always go back to reality and remember you calling me a bitch and trying to get me to kill you.

Merry Christmas.

Are you there?

I called today and talked to Sparky. I asked if he really ever talked to you and he said that you avoided him; that he gathers you don't like him.

Probably sitting there thinking no one cares to talk to you, they never counsel you. I think I am sensing that you are just marking time, to say "I did it, it did no good, there's no program that will help me recover."

Someone was using your phone so I got a call today from the bill collectors. I told them you shut the phones off but they said it was reactivated and the bill is now over $400 but the lines are all cancelled now.  Another bill for you to pay off when you get out of rehab.

I found a Christmas tree for free last night and we put it up with new white balls on it, with the blue ones and Dale's red crocheted garland. White lights - it looks really pretty.  Marlie called me a scrooge because I didn't have a tree up yet. The old one smells like mouse pee.

I have some presents for the kids, they are excited. I hope that they are going to be surprised by something, seems like they know everything they're getting!

I may be able to speak to you on Christmas Eve Sparky said.  I told him you might ought to call your mom.

Of course I would like to have you here and hold you and be a family. But I don't think that's going to happen, maybe never.  I'm sad for you that you have missed out on the last few years of your kids' lives and mine.  We're not sad to not be in your drug world anymore.  It's a whole lot more peaceful and safe now. 

You're just not the person I fell in love with -- not sure if he ever existed except in my mind.

Merry Christmas darling, we're apart that's true.  But I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmasing with you.  The lights on my tree, I wish you could see. I wish it every day.  Logs on the fire, fill me with desire to see you and to say "Merry Christmas . . . darling."

So far away from me

To You,
I talked to your friend today, he said he was thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. He had gotten a letter from you, and said it was the first one that sounded a little bit concerned about anyone but yourself. Maybe starting to get your head clear a bit. Not I want this, send me money and cigars and candy, tell Shelly to do this.

Hopefully he can go visit you. He's sending you a box of stuff, so did I from your mom. She was crying, saying she didn't want you to think that she doesn't love you. She can't write or read or make phone calls well at all, and spent hours trying to get a box of stuff from Harry and David sent but ended up not being able to with the PO Box address I had given her.  So I said I would get stuff that you like that she used to get for you and send it in her name.

It's Christmas carols and getting out decorations and working while trying to fend off the debt collectors and keep everyone going. It's going ok, just a lot of work every day to keep up.  Or keep from getting behind.  I'm pretty happy most times, and sometimes I miss you but it's always with that twist of BUT, he wouldn't be with me anyway, he'd be out using or hiding or giving me the cold shoulder, reading or watching movies or driving around.  So not like you were here anyway for me the past few years.

I really wonder whether the kids will ever be able to forgive you.

It's so cold, I keep turning up the heat because it's just not getting it.  Your friend said it's not the selfish things you begin to miss after several weeks, it's not being able to hug someone or spoon with them on the couch. I miss those things, do you?

Mostly when I dream of you it's a nightmare, I'm caught off guard and afraid you've stolen something and are not supposed to be here.  Subconsciously at least, I'm glad you're gone. 
But I have had some really amazingly strange experiences in my dreams on the other hand. 
I just hope your mom doesn't die before you get your life back together and see her.

Love,
Me