The Zombie Addict

To You,

Addicts are like zombies. 

They don't know they're dead.  They don't look so good, and they're still stumbling around, but they're dead inside.

They're still looking to steal something so they can score, and use again. And again.

It's hell for them.  And those they love. 

I think hell for addicts is obsessing about how to use, when to use, stealing and working to get the money, setting up the deal, scoring, waiting until they can use and then not being able to get high. And starting over.

My heart breaks every time I think of you.

love, Me.

Rehab, Take 3

It has been only two weeks and two days, but it seems like so much longer. I guess because you have been out of our lives for the past couple years - for the most part.

It seems sad that we don't miss you and are happy that you are in a good place -- happy you're not driving in at any time and demanding this or that.  I know that you don't want to be the way you are.  But you are who you are.  It's a J. B. suit inhabited by a whole bunch of cockroaches, like Men in Black.  Looks like you but isn't really you.

Let me know when the bugs are gone for good.

One more time

to You,

Back in rehab. Day two.  I had a good day for being told my father is dying. At least I got to get that news to you before you went under the cone of silence for the next 3-9 months.
 
I joked about that was long enough to have a baby by the time you got out . .. you did not think it was so funny. It would be a miraculous thing for me to have another baby, but just as miraculous - more so -- would be if you came out sober and sane and ready to have a life.

My dad's life is ending and you are just messing around with yours. The choices for drugs that addicts make are so insane to me but then again I make insane choices too.

It's a good thing I have so much time spent alone and handling everything.  It was wonderful to see you before you went and spend time with you.  Thanks for holding me.

Technically, I don't think I'm supposed to write you. No phones, no nothing.  I think it will get harder. But I'm waiting. It's like you're off to camp.  Drug camp.

And so much change ahead if my dad passes away. Glad for him, he will be with mom finally.
  I hope your mom doesn't pass away before you get to see her again.  well, I missed our 9 p.m. meeting of the minds, hopefully you'll be there in my dreams. And in reality come next July.
Love, Me

Back to silence

So we're back to observing the no contact rule. If I can stop calling you and not go by there, I can maybe clear up what I've done. Maybe not.

Are you really trying to just get out of paying child support? I guess you see it as an imposition and an impossibility. How hard is it to contribute $125 a week to your family? I guess you'd have to actually take a job.

It's easier to just not talk to you right now. I'm suspicious of what your true motives are. I wonder if you really want to be with your family or just get your own way.

Really?

God knows why, but I had an extra large drink and was driving by and thought Ï'll give it to him. And then you turn it into an opportunity to take a picture of me breaking the tpo on your cellphone.

OK, Not sure where you're going with this. To prove I broke the agreement so it should be thrown out? Or to gather evidence for a case against me? To try to get me arrested?

 Well, I am wrong. I should not come bring you something, or call you or ask you in.  I think that you will find a way to wiggle out of paying child support one way or another.

I think you like the drama, or are wanting to use the system to your own ends.  What you say and what you do are still not matching up.

My Secred Blog

It's kind of fun having a secret blog. Of course if it ever becomes not so secret I will not be happy. Supposed to be anonymous.

What's up with hitting return and it goes up to the top of the page?  Just put a new ppc ad on yelp for the main business entry, been getting hits off the other one, doing one free room - maybe that will perk some interested where they actually call me.

I told you about this a year ago, reminded you today. See if you find me.
Tag, you're it.

I kissed a boy and I liked it. . .

Hmm,
Aren't old people supposed to be over it?

But we can't get together because of the tpo. And I'm not about to drop it because then there would be no reason for you to give us any money . . not that you do.

There's just never a job for you . . .  never enough money for me. And no, it's not all about the money.

If I was rich maybe I could just work and let you lay around and look for work. But it's just not the economic times for that.

J and I made up . . . he has been working weird hours at night on mopeds taking drunks home. Thinking about quitting school - I gave him some money for gas. His friends at church took up a collection! Gave him $180 and that made his insurance payment.

But he's 3 car payments behind and needs insurance on it.  Hopefully he'll keep getting work and study and I can give him enough to get him through.  He feels terrible. I don't know how he keeps going.

Sometimes I don't know how I keep going either. I wake up at about 6 and just pray till 8 when I can't stand the pain anymore and get up and start moving.
Getting old sucks.
But I'd still like to suck face with you.

Can't even tempt you to meet me at the grocery store.