Happy Thanksgiving - No you can't come home

To You,

I was surprised when you called, and it threw me off for a minute, wasn't aware it was you at first then it clicked.
 I had wondered if you would be able to call today somehow.  So it was good to talk to you but it sounded like NOTHING'S CHANGED.

It's like slapping a puppy to have to say no, you can't come home yet. No, I'm not dropping the tpo. No, I'm not ready because you're not ready. 

I'm sorry for you that your children won't speak to you.  We had a nice day, a great dinner, and beautiful weather.  I hope you called your mom, she deserves better.

When I re-read some of this it is just so much sadder . . . every day I wonder how I'll go on without you and if you'll ever come home, and if I can make it, and how awful it would be if you didn't.

Maybe you'll be able to call at Christmas.

Please, please get it.

Love, Me

Sry I forgot

To You,
I know we talked about thinking about each other but can't remember, was it at 9 p.m.? I think I forgot that. Have to put a reminder in my phone. I do feel like you are thinking about me at times, Mondays seem like they have been bad for you, before the day gets cranked up, and sometimes I feel your sadness.

That was always an interesting thing about our relationship, that we can sense each other's thoughts and feelings even at great distance.  Now when I'm having a bad day emotionally, I figure it's coming from you and I'm able to shake it off, because there is nothing I can do about it.  Hope you have a good day.
love,
Me

Memories of you

I was driving tonight and remembered -- I think -- times when I would be able to just walk up to you, slip my arms around you under your jean jacket and be pressed against you. We would just stand there holding each other. I could do that any time . . . I think. It has been so long I'm almost not sure that really happened, or if it's just a daydream. 

If I had never known the rush of being in love with you, seeing you and feeling so happy that you love me, maybe I wouldn't be so sad now.  If I had never married, never fallen in love and been loved, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. But I think I would still know I was missing out on the real joy of life. 

Not at all sure that this pain will ever end on this side of the dirt.  And you just want me to send money, for cigars, and stamps, nuts, candy, envelopes.  Yeah, we're all fine here.

The Zombie Addict

To You,

Addicts are like zombies. 

They don't know they're dead.  They don't look so good, and they're still stumbling around, but they're dead inside.

They're still looking to steal something so they can score, and use again. And again.

It's hell for them.  And those they love. 

I think hell for addicts is obsessing about how to use, when to use, stealing and working to get the money, setting up the deal, scoring, waiting until they can use and then not being able to get high. And starting over.

My heart breaks every time I think of you.

love, Me.

Rehab, Take 3

It has been only two weeks and two days, but it seems like so much longer. I guess because you have been out of our lives for the past couple years - for the most part.

It seems sad that we don't miss you and are happy that you are in a good place -- happy you're not driving in at any time and demanding this or that.  I know that you don't want to be the way you are.  But you are who you are.  It's a J. B. suit inhabited by a whole bunch of cockroaches, like Men in Black.  Looks like you but isn't really you.

Let me know when the bugs are gone for good.

One more time

to You,

Back in rehab. Day two.  I had a good day for being told my father is dying. At least I got to get that news to you before you went under the cone of silence for the next 3-9 months.
 
I joked about that was long enough to have a baby by the time you got out . .. you did not think it was so funny. It would be a miraculous thing for me to have another baby, but just as miraculous - more so -- would be if you came out sober and sane and ready to have a life.

My dad's life is ending and you are just messing around with yours. The choices for drugs that addicts make are so insane to me but then again I make insane choices too.

It's a good thing I have so much time spent alone and handling everything.  It was wonderful to see you before you went and spend time with you.  Thanks for holding me.

Technically, I don't think I'm supposed to write you. No phones, no nothing.  I think it will get harder. But I'm waiting. It's like you're off to camp.  Drug camp.

And so much change ahead if my dad passes away. Glad for him, he will be with mom finally.
  I hope your mom doesn't pass away before you get to see her again.  well, I missed our 9 p.m. meeting of the minds, hopefully you'll be there in my dreams. And in reality come next July.
Love, Me

Back to silence

So we're back to observing the no contact rule. If I can stop calling you and not go by there, I can maybe clear up what I've done. Maybe not.

Are you really trying to just get out of paying child support? I guess you see it as an imposition and an impossibility. How hard is it to contribute $125 a week to your family? I guess you'd have to actually take a job.

It's easier to just not talk to you right now. I'm suspicious of what your true motives are. I wonder if you really want to be with your family or just get your own way.