More stuff to stuff

We had a fairly good weekend, with just our son around mostly, it was pretty good. Nice breakfast at Henry's and you took him to the movies this afternoon, but it felt very unsatisfying to me. I had talked about the bead thing and explained it a couple times, so it seems like if I bring it up, you will make sure it doesn't happen.

I feel like you're still trying to manipulate and control me, and keep being reminded of times in the past when you did. I don't want to view everything in the light of my now clearer understanding of your motives, that everything was directed toward using and getting drugs, but it seems that so much was designed to allow you to go use. And so much was said to throw a smokescreen over your actions. It's so tangled up and confused and ugly.

and if I express any unhappiness or sorrow, I'm all angry and all is hopeless.

I get a feeling of hopelessness after spending time with  you, the sense of life is useless, tiring and futile. I think it's a spirit of despair.  But God has not given us a spirit of fear and despair, but of power and love and of a sound mind. 
You said that I and Marlie and Pastor Thomas think you haven't suffered enough, haven't hit bottom and we want you to suffer more.  That is so far from all of our minds. Thomas is thinking about the ministry in Haiti, Marlie is working on her own addiction and separation from Mark and I'm just wondering if we can ever get back together. And if we should.

  I have found quite a bit of peace living without the constant criticism and drama.  I miss you so much, the you that could be kind and loving. That could be here with me, that could enjoy time together.

But that you has been gone for so long, I don't know if you exist. You seem to exist in a little foxhole that holds you and you peep out of it once in a while.  Then drawn back inside yourself and talk to yourself repeating the words that must go around in your head.  It's pretty creepy. And sad.  you would rather live in a tent than here, and alone than with me, and lose your children than quit using.  and somehow it's all my fault. 

Talk to me

It was good to be able to sit and talk to you today for a few minutes. But pretty disturbing based on what you said. It looks like old times, accusations and blame for something I didn't do 13-17 years ago -- yet you can't talk about your past - no apologies, no amends for the past two years because we're supposed to look forward, not back.

We definitely have a shot at making our marriage work, but I am still waiting for you to stop swinging from one extreme to the other. Now it's about me being a. a control freak b. not submissive c. preoccupied with too many other things and not having time for you.

I know it is all crap but it is like a knife in the stomach. Really.  After waiting for you for 29 3/4 years to stop using you want to talk about what I do wrong, and are angry with me.

Really.  And you won't have anything to do with 12 steps, Christian or otherwise, counseling, a sponsor or work a program. You're good. You've got it.  Hope so!

SO - you got baptized today!

It sent a shock wave through the church this morning when you got up to be baptized. And apologized to me, the pastor and the whole church.  Most people were in tears - even some who have never met you.

It's funny that I have friends you've never met because you haven't been to church with me in about a year.

When you came and sat beside me and asked "Where have you been?" because I'm not sitting in our usual "spot" and you didn't see me, I thought "Where have YOU been?"

It was good. I was happy you were there.

But I'm still on guard that you won't stay - happy for you to be moving forward . . . happy you are doing well and look healthier. 

But our kids are still not willing to see you or have you around . . .. still have a ways to go.

So, you missed an awesome Christmas

It was great. I kept trying to imagine you being with us, an it kept getting harder and harder. LIke a ghost fading away in the morning, I couldn't even conjure up bad memories . . we were making new ones.

You so missed it.

 I did miss you. I had some bad moments, and I think it was awkward and hard for your mom and brother. They avoided me as much as possible. But the kids and I had a really good time, even with the Malaria aka the flu ish stuff. 

I heard you're not doing well.   I'll keep praying that God will get your attention and break through the demons screaming in your head. Maybe one day you'll just turn around and say shut up! to them.

love
  Me