It's the last week of this 6 week program for you. AHHH!!!
All the phone calls begging me to let you come home, trying with everything you can think of to make me do what you want.
You want your phone, your truck, back in the house. You promise you'll fix everything, clean up the yard, garage, spend time with me. You want a ride to meetings, a date, food, to sleep in your own bed. Of course!
All those are great things. But trying manipulation, lying, anger and threatening me with divorce if I don't do what you want tell me that I'm no where near seeing what I'm wanting to see in your life yet.
I am pretty sure that it's not my job to find you a place to go and handle it all for you. And I know that as a co-dependent I cannot pay your bills, give you money or support bad behavior in any way.
And that I am very very weak where you are concerned. You can turn and twist my thinking around in 10 minutes, to where I doubt my previous conclusions, reached through prayer and counsel with spiritually mature, recovering believers who want the best for you also.
My worst time last night after all the things you said, feeling torn and guilty and afraid, was dissipated like fog as the sun came up in the morning. Suddenly I realized that clarity had come.
My sponsor's words, the deep care in her eyes and my admitting I was nearly helpless to withstand your accusations and pleading. I saw that I had been expecting (!) that you would make the right choices for yourself in going on to an after care, long term rehab or that your counselor could persuade you to do it. But really, nothing short of me saying "You cannot come home" will cause you to choose recovery. Otherwise, you'll come back home. And as my sponsor said, "You'll be signing his death warrant." When it is put to me that way, I can see that I would be selfish and not accomplish the goal of seeing you sober, happy and home. It's too soon. She advised me not to talk to you any more about this, so that I am not manipulated and torn apart needlessly. I can't quite do that yet but I'm almost there.
When you accused me last night of me not being together with you on recovery, that was such a lie.
Like I told you, I'm still here. Taking care of your children, your home, your business, without your help. Just like I've been doing for many years.
Every time I get sad and am temped to long for you to be near me, help me, be in bed when I wake up, I remember so clearly the hundreds of times I wanted that and you weren't here then either. Better to be gone to rehab than gone using.
And best of all, my truck is in the driveway where I left it! And the fuel is still in the tank!!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Lies, lies
To You,
Well, I have to hand it to you. Addicts are so cunning. If you say something horrible and it gets back to me like what you said Friday night -- you just say "I didn't say that." 2 witnesses -- "they're wrong". And, then you just ignore what I said and assert that you will be home in 2 weeks to fix the toilet, the mower, etc.
or NOT.
LIke I said, I will not be there to pick you up. Find a ride to your next stop on the recovery-go-round. It is not going to be here.
I have too much at stake -- the thought of you mucking around in my vehicles using my gas, waking me up, doing whatever and expecting me to pay for it -- no no no.
Talk to the hand!
NO!
But you just keep right on.
Fortunately, I know how to get rid of you if you won't take yourself off. I guess I don't need to obsess yet, I have not quite 2 weeks.
Constant feeling of anxiety most of the day until I realized that it might not be me -- maybe I'm feeling your anxiety. You did have a migraine, you said. Withdrawal from caffeine, cigars, cocaine all in 6 weeks? It usually just makes you squirrely. Glad I'm not there to experience the drama.
Not so in like with you right now.
From Me.
Well, I have to hand it to you. Addicts are so cunning. If you say something horrible and it gets back to me like what you said Friday night -- you just say "I didn't say that." 2 witnesses -- "they're wrong". And, then you just ignore what I said and assert that you will be home in 2 weeks to fix the toilet, the mower, etc.
or NOT.
LIke I said, I will not be there to pick you up. Find a ride to your next stop on the recovery-go-round. It is not going to be here.
I have too much at stake -- the thought of you mucking around in my vehicles using my gas, waking me up, doing whatever and expecting me to pay for it -- no no no.
Talk to the hand!
NO!
But you just keep right on.
Fortunately, I know how to get rid of you if you won't take yourself off. I guess I don't need to obsess yet, I have not quite 2 weeks.
Constant feeling of anxiety most of the day until I realized that it might not be me -- maybe I'm feeling your anxiety. You did have a migraine, you said. Withdrawal from caffeine, cigars, cocaine all in 6 weeks? It usually just makes you squirrely. Glad I'm not there to experience the drama.
Not so in like with you right now.
From Me.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Not doing so well?
To You,
I had a bad report this morning from a couple people who talked with you last night. It makes me sad to hear that they don't think you're doing as well as you say you are. It really does no good to put on a good front for me and then really be just as angry and negative as always. So you have no respect for the program you're in, the counselors don't do a good job, the meetings are not so good always, the people are annoying, the food is bad, you can't sleep. This is nothing new.
But what really got me was your comment - -you didn't realize that I'm her sponsor. She was truly troubled all night wondering if she should say something or if it would be breaking anonymity. I told her no, I had already heard it from someone else, and that she's not his sponsor, it wasn't in a meeting, it was outside where more than one person heard what you said.
And if that's your attitude, maybe you will be thumbing it to wherever you are going next, because I'm not coming to give you a ride home, that's for sure.
You've got two more weeks there. Use it. Or lose it.
Sadly
Me
I had a bad report this morning from a couple people who talked with you last night. It makes me sad to hear that they don't think you're doing as well as you say you are. It really does no good to put on a good front for me and then really be just as angry and negative as always. So you have no respect for the program you're in, the counselors don't do a good job, the meetings are not so good always, the people are annoying, the food is bad, you can't sleep. This is nothing new.
But what really got me was your comment - -you didn't realize that I'm her sponsor. She was truly troubled all night wondering if she should say something or if it would be breaking anonymity. I told her no, I had already heard it from someone else, and that she's not his sponsor, it wasn't in a meeting, it was outside where more than one person heard what you said.
And if that's your attitude, maybe you will be thumbing it to wherever you are going next, because I'm not coming to give you a ride home, that's for sure.
You've got two more weeks there. Use it. Or lose it.
Sadly
Me
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Finding a meeting
I found the recovery meetings by looking in the library for books on addiction. I found "How Al-Anon Works: for families and friends of Alcoholics." I read it through. Twice. And thought: They've definitely got something here, but I'm not understanding how this applies to me.
So I went to a local Co-Anon meeting, for families and friends of cocaine addicts. I stayed for 6 years, learning about the 12 steps and traditions, and learning how to help others.
Then we began Celebrate Recovery at our church, and I jumped in to help with the co-dependent meetings, worked the 12 step study (a one-year course) a few times, and continue to do that today.
I strongly urge anyone with a loved one using or drinking, to get help for yourself. The help is there -- you just have to reach out and take it.
So I went to a local Co-Anon meeting, for families and friends of cocaine addicts. I stayed for 6 years, learning about the 12 steps and traditions, and learning how to help others.
Then we began Celebrate Recovery at our church, and I jumped in to help with the co-dependent meetings, worked the 12 step study (a one-year course) a few times, and continue to do that today.
I strongly urge anyone with a loved one using or drinking, to get help for yourself. The help is there -- you just have to reach out and take it.
Back to You
May 17
To You:
I am wondering what you want to talk to me about that you find interesting in my letters. Maybe you could talk now or write back instead of just talking about your cleaning jobs and stuff. I do appreciate that you are not complaining constantly about things that are not to your liking.
I’m sure if I couldn’t sleep due to your snoring it would be bad (this does not take too much imagination). As it is I wake up at 2:30 – 3:30 and sometimes can’t sleep, but I’m doing better at not starting to think about the problems I’m facing. They don’t tend to get solved then!
Ps. 91 is the only cure for it if I start thinking . . . three times through repeating it from memory and I’m asleep. I picture myself in the palm of God’s hand, like those pictures of tiny preemie babies being cupped in a man’s hand. Just cradled, and protected and safe.
It was great to see you today – I’m glad our son came to see you too. I wondered why you didn’t try to talk to him more – but you don’t seem to know what to say to him. I just ask him about his books or computer and he’ll eventually start on something. He feels that your location is a secret that should be kept from his friends. So he’s a little freaked about Jacob and Jessica finding out where you are. But they’re oblivious!
He has been very huggy and needed a log of reassurance. He tried to get to sleep with me but I told him I’d be up too late. Nip that in the bud.
Watching MASH-a-thon for 4 hours, it’s so good. Love it.
I’m very excited about this blog and hope that my plans for it don’t get lost in working and housework, etc. I tend to see the vision but working it out takes a backseat to everyday chores. I’m hoping it may be helpful to people in similar situations. Being anonymous, I think I can say more. I may even be more hones than I would be with you.
I wrote the first one and just couldn’t stop.
I was really freaking out, and thought so this is where we end up. Is this where it ends?
I won’t say how many years we’ve been together, but a long road. In the ER with you going to the psych ward. Great.
I’m not walking any farther along this road with you, but if you want to join me on mine, that would be ok. I felt a little guilty just walking away. There was nothing I could do for you. Except go home and take care of our children.
Love, Me
p.s. I saw a book titled Passion by John Eldridge, on the nature of sex and how the Bible talks about the marriage relationship being a picture of our intimacy with God. Trying to get my mind around that. There have been times when it was a truly spiritual experience. And then other times when I felt used, like when you were using and couldn’t get there because you were so high – and the feeling that we weren’t together, so of course we couldn’t get anywhere. But when it’s good it’s very very good. And when it’s bad, it’s horrid.
Pps: Phil 1:19-24 For I know that as you pray for me and as the spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will all turn out for my deliverance . . . Sometimes I long to go and be with Christ (be done with this painful marriage) That would be far better for me, but it is better for you (and our children) that I live. See verse 27 also.
To You:
I am wondering what you want to talk to me about that you find interesting in my letters. Maybe you could talk now or write back instead of just talking about your cleaning jobs and stuff. I do appreciate that you are not complaining constantly about things that are not to your liking.
I’m sure if I couldn’t sleep due to your snoring it would be bad (this does not take too much imagination). As it is I wake up at 2:30 – 3:30 and sometimes can’t sleep, but I’m doing better at not starting to think about the problems I’m facing. They don’t tend to get solved then!
Ps. 91 is the only cure for it if I start thinking . . . three times through repeating it from memory and I’m asleep. I picture myself in the palm of God’s hand, like those pictures of tiny preemie babies being cupped in a man’s hand. Just cradled, and protected and safe.
It was great to see you today – I’m glad our son came to see you too. I wondered why you didn’t try to talk to him more – but you don’t seem to know what to say to him. I just ask him about his books or computer and he’ll eventually start on something. He feels that your location is a secret that should be kept from his friends. So he’s a little freaked about Jacob and Jessica finding out where you are. But they’re oblivious!
He has been very huggy and needed a log of reassurance. He tried to get to sleep with me but I told him I’d be up too late. Nip that in the bud.
Watching MASH-a-thon for 4 hours, it’s so good. Love it.
I’m very excited about this blog and hope that my plans for it don’t get lost in working and housework, etc. I tend to see the vision but working it out takes a backseat to everyday chores. I’m hoping it may be helpful to people in similar situations. Being anonymous, I think I can say more. I may even be more hones than I would be with you.
I wrote the first one and just couldn’t stop.
I was really freaking out, and thought so this is where we end up. Is this where it ends?
I won’t say how many years we’ve been together, but a long road. In the ER with you going to the psych ward. Great.
I’m not walking any farther along this road with you, but if you want to join me on mine, that would be ok. I felt a little guilty just walking away. There was nothing I could do for you. Except go home and take care of our children.
Love, Me
p.s. I saw a book titled Passion by John Eldridge, on the nature of sex and how the Bible talks about the marriage relationship being a picture of our intimacy with God. Trying to get my mind around that. There have been times when it was a truly spiritual experience. And then other times when I felt used, like when you were using and couldn’t get there because you were so high – and the feeling that we weren’t together, so of course we couldn’t get anywhere. But when it’s good it’s very very good. And when it’s bad, it’s horrid.
Pps: Phil 1:19-24 For I know that as you pray for me and as the spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will all turn out for my deliverance . . . Sometimes I long to go and be with Christ (be done with this painful marriage) That would be far better for me, but it is better for you (and our children) that I live. See verse 27 also.
From You to Me
5/12/09
Dear You
I got your letters this morning. Thanks for sending shirts and my notebook. I actually slept 6 hours straight last night.
I’ve read the letters several times today and I break down and cry each time I think of all the hurt I’ve caused. How can you ever forgive me but I too am hopeful because of God’s word that things can be restored.
I am truly sorry and I want to show you I can be the husband, friend and father everyone needs.
I can’t imagine life without you and our children. I do love you all. I want to sit and walk with and eat with and be with you all.
Thanks for all the scripture references. Some are the same ones I’ve been running across in all my step scripture study. I’ve done principles 1, 2, and 3 already. Just pouring myself into the recovery Bible. Seems to be doing the most help. Most of the stuff here just seems to be busy work and I don’t mean to be negative about it there are some benefits but let’s not go there right now.
You know I understand you can’t come on weekends. Don’t feel like you have to –just looking forward to graduation day.
6:30 Tuesday night Overcomers Meeting – these are ok, basically Christian 12 step.
I guess I still prefer Celebrate Recovery.
Love, Me
5/15/09
Dear S
Wow, it’s been 3 wks already, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I called yesterday and missed you and got to talk to P. so that was great.
I hope you have a safe and enjoyable weekend in Nashville.
I’m really tired, still only getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. Last night I got at least 5 hours. It’s kind of good you’re not coming this weekend, that will give me the time to finish my first, secnd and third steps that need to be written out.Talk about Torture!
K, “Preacher Man” graduated today, but will remain as a Servant Leader. What a blessing that will be to have him here for good spiritual support.
Hope and pray that things are going a little better at the house. Thank God for D. helping out. A couple of nights ago I had a cool worshiping dream, just real quick but pretty neat. I can’t really explain it too well but I was looking down and saw me and D on the worship team and our joy was electric and I could see the connection between the two of us.
When I first got here Bruce asked me to do 3 things, I can’t remember the 1st 2. But the 3rd was to let God handle it at home, so it has been a little easy to do that most of the time, but sometimes it’s hard, but having to trust God that things will be ok, till I’m able to come home. Looking forward to that day and night.
It’s kind of weird because by the time you get this we’ll have talked but I guess I can’t tell you all these little things in just 10 minutes but you know how tough it is for me to put it to paper.
Love
Me
Dear You
I got your letters this morning. Thanks for sending shirts and my notebook. I actually slept 6 hours straight last night.
I’ve read the letters several times today and I break down and cry each time I think of all the hurt I’ve caused. How can you ever forgive me but I too am hopeful because of God’s word that things can be restored.
I am truly sorry and I want to show you I can be the husband, friend and father everyone needs.
I can’t imagine life without you and our children. I do love you all. I want to sit and walk with and eat with and be with you all.
Thanks for all the scripture references. Some are the same ones I’ve been running across in all my step scripture study. I’ve done principles 1, 2, and 3 already. Just pouring myself into the recovery Bible. Seems to be doing the most help. Most of the stuff here just seems to be busy work and I don’t mean to be negative about it there are some benefits but let’s not go there right now.
You know I understand you can’t come on weekends. Don’t feel like you have to –just looking forward to graduation day.
6:30 Tuesday night Overcomers Meeting – these are ok, basically Christian 12 step.
I guess I still prefer Celebrate Recovery.
Love, Me
5/15/09
Dear S
Wow, it’s been 3 wks already, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I called yesterday and missed you and got to talk to P. so that was great.
I hope you have a safe and enjoyable weekend in Nashville.
I’m really tired, still only getting about 2 hours of sleep a night. Last night I got at least 5 hours. It’s kind of good you’re not coming this weekend, that will give me the time to finish my first, secnd and third steps that need to be written out.Talk about Torture!
K, “Preacher Man” graduated today, but will remain as a Servant Leader. What a blessing that will be to have him here for good spiritual support.
Hope and pray that things are going a little better at the house. Thank God for D. helping out. A couple of nights ago I had a cool worshiping dream, just real quick but pretty neat. I can’t really explain it too well but I was looking down and saw me and D on the worship team and our joy was electric and I could see the connection between the two of us.
When I first got here Bruce asked me to do 3 things, I can’t remember the 1st 2. But the 3rd was to let God handle it at home, so it has been a little easy to do that most of the time, but sometimes it’s hard, but having to trust God that things will be ok, till I’m able to come home. Looking forward to that day and night.
It’s kind of weird because by the time you get this we’ll have talked but I guess I can’t tell you all these little things in just 10 minutes but you know how tough it is for me to put it to paper.
Love
Me
Kids and their new bf/gf
May 18
To You,
So we just talked. I’m sorry to get you upset. Talk to your counselor. Jms said it’s up to you to ask him for a meeting.
The kids were here with their new dating interests and ate the rest of the falafel and tabouli around 10 p.m. I think D’s new boyfriend is ok, he seems very young and harmless. More into rock climbing than anything, but wants to become a firefighter and then go to art school. I get the feeling he just graduated high school.
Rachel looks beautiful! Can’t believe Jesse is able to get her!
I’m thinking seriously about going to see my family this weekend. I’m very uneasy thinking about you being in town and me leaving. I know you would be over at the house messing around with stuff and taking my vehicles and draining the gas.
There’s an element of pain involved with just thinking about you being here, taking the truck or being alone in the house. You’ve always taken that as an open invitation to bgo mad.
Not sure if it will work out, I need to pay the insurance for 2 months, plus bills and two house payments. Just waiting for money to come in.
The woman said she isn’t going to rent the house. I couldn’t go see the other guy about it today..
I’m still not convinced the Poppers stuff wasn’t yours. I had been driving the truck, and digging around for coupons and never saw it. It had been 3 weeks since your druggie friend was in the truck using it like you said. Besides making me go insane over the sheer stupidity of having that man in my vehicle and lying about where you were to cover up that you drove him around USING UP MY DIESEL when I had asked you to have nothing to do with him – to have him leave a dangerous inhalant where our son could find it and nearly inhale it. It could have killed him. You see this as a mistake, not your fault – but you deliberately took my vehicle, took that man, let him use in the truck and somehow even though you were living in it at night never found inhalants in it. I don’t believe it.
Sometimes I have pain in my heart because I miss you, yet I can’t trust you to be here with us yet.
There are two huge piles of dishes but whatever, I’ve been working all day. Well, write me.
Love, Me
To You,
So we just talked. I’m sorry to get you upset. Talk to your counselor. Jms said it’s up to you to ask him for a meeting.
The kids were here with their new dating interests and ate the rest of the falafel and tabouli around 10 p.m. I think D’s new boyfriend is ok, he seems very young and harmless. More into rock climbing than anything, but wants to become a firefighter and then go to art school. I get the feeling he just graduated high school.
Rachel looks beautiful! Can’t believe Jesse is able to get her!
I’m thinking seriously about going to see my family this weekend. I’m very uneasy thinking about you being in town and me leaving. I know you would be over at the house messing around with stuff and taking my vehicles and draining the gas.
There’s an element of pain involved with just thinking about you being here, taking the truck or being alone in the house. You’ve always taken that as an open invitation to bgo mad.
Not sure if it will work out, I need to pay the insurance for 2 months, plus bills and two house payments. Just waiting for money to come in.
The woman said she isn’t going to rent the house. I couldn’t go see the other guy about it today..
I’m still not convinced the Poppers stuff wasn’t yours. I had been driving the truck, and digging around for coupons and never saw it. It had been 3 weeks since your druggie friend was in the truck using it like you said. Besides making me go insane over the sheer stupidity of having that man in my vehicle and lying about where you were to cover up that you drove him around USING UP MY DIESEL when I had asked you to have nothing to do with him – to have him leave a dangerous inhalant where our son could find it and nearly inhale it. It could have killed him. You see this as a mistake, not your fault – but you deliberately took my vehicle, took that man, let him use in the truck and somehow even though you were living in it at night never found inhalants in it. I don’t believe it.
Sometimes I have pain in my heart because I miss you, yet I can’t trust you to be here with us yet.
There are two huge piles of dishes but whatever, I’ve been working all day. Well, write me.
Love, Me
Nashville
May 15, 2009
To you
I love this bed. And I got the room over the garage --- it’s quiet, and a gentle rain is falling, I’m kind of away from the rest of the bedrooms so it feels very private.
I’ve been reading one of their books about the depression, about two brothers who have to leave home at 10 and 15 to find work so they don’t take away from the family’s small food supply. To think of kids not having more than a couple potatoes for everyone, and being hungry all the time. We never go hungry.
Jess is staying at the house while I’m gone, but P said he woke up at 1 a.m. and D had a boyfriend over, watching a movie. He was upset that this was going on in the middle of the night, as I would be if I was there. Sigh.
It is quiet here, I hope to be really busy today and help sell lots of books. My goal is to help her get the $1300 she needs to pay off the credit card bill for the foundation. (I did it! We made $1400!)
All I got for dinner was white rice, white bread and steamed carrots. I’m going to have to find some food that is more nutritious . . .
I heard our friend D came and spent hours mowing the back yard. The grass was over P’s head, and he just couldn’t do it. I heard it looks beautiful.
Some kid came by looking for you, C said he gave her bad vibes.
From me.
To you
I love this bed. And I got the room over the garage --- it’s quiet, and a gentle rain is falling, I’m kind of away from the rest of the bedrooms so it feels very private.
I’ve been reading one of their books about the depression, about two brothers who have to leave home at 10 and 15 to find work so they don’t take away from the family’s small food supply. To think of kids not having more than a couple potatoes for everyone, and being hungry all the time. We never go hungry.
Jess is staying at the house while I’m gone, but P said he woke up at 1 a.m. and D had a boyfriend over, watching a movie. He was upset that this was going on in the middle of the night, as I would be if I was there. Sigh.
It is quiet here, I hope to be really busy today and help sell lots of books. My goal is to help her get the $1300 she needs to pay off the credit card bill for the foundation. (I did it! We made $1400!)
All I got for dinner was white rice, white bread and steamed carrots. I’m going to have to find some food that is more nutritious . . .
I heard our friend D came and spent hours mowing the back yard. The grass was over P’s head, and he just couldn’t do it. I heard it looks beautiful.
Some kid came by looking for you, C said he gave her bad vibes.
From me.
The history -- the damage
May 21
I am sending John a paper copy of this daily meditation by Ron Hutchcraft on the benefits of hurricanes, bringing cleansing even in the midst of destruction, so that new life can begin.
I was writing a list last night after talking to John, he is asking to come home in like 2 weeks, and I don't have an answer for him in the affirmative. I'm still praying about it. His contention that he has church, recovery groups, friends, his family, CA, NA, AA, CR -- it sounds good, like a great plan, and it could work. But here are some times that he said the exact same thing and it didn't work:
1989 - When I learned you were using cocaine (at Liberty church), when Jesse was 4. We separated for a week - I left, and they recommended that if it happen again, we separate for a month, and if again, that I divorce you. So we separated again for a month when you relapsed again.
Continually using - 1990, when I was pregnant with Dale, we separated a couple times, and you lived with another family in the church for a while.
4. When she was a newborn, I just remember her having colic and you having to leave because we weren't living together.
5. When I was pregnant with Parker, we separated and you were using the whole time, 2-3 times out of the house, I left at 8+ months pregnant with the other children and stayed with a home group leader until they took you to Alabama for a few days, then Parker was born. You went to outpatient rehab and did a couple 90 in 90s, relapsed within a few months and lost your job.
6 When Parker was 4 months old I had appendicitis/infection and surgery and you left me in the hospital and used all night with him in your care. You didn't come back to the hospital for me, or bring the baby, I had to get friends to come get me and get released the day after surgery. Came home to a wreck of the house and the pastors insisted that I not put you out. I was ready to divorce you then.
I was afraid DFACS would take the children because I had to tell them why I had to get out of the hospital right now to take care of a nursing baby.
7. When Parker was 5 - not remembering many details right now
8 2007 - 2009, pretty much using or working up to it -- acting like an addict, staying out all night or till 1 a.m., going to the movies instead of to work, watching movies in the van instead of going to meetings. I had reports from customers that you had been drinking on the job. You would leave for work, then not show up, not answer the phone, lie about jobs being cancelled and take the money. You were not going to work, staying out all night, cold, unresponsive, separated a few times, but you would just lie and say you weren't using.
You stole money from the company, wrote checks when you were not an authorized signer, took cashwith the debit card, took every dollar I had. I had to get just a couple gallons of fuel at a time so that you couldn't just go drive around and use it up and I would then have to buy more anyway the next day or so. You were living in the truck or van, and keeping it so that I could not have anyone else work.
When I asked for help with something one day, you gave me the most hateful look and said if you did in fact help me with what I needed "I was going to have to pay." I saw satanic hate - I don't think it was "you" but it was you sitting there saying it.
I felt like God was saying "give him enough rope, he'll hang himself" and it wouldn't be about me trying to find out whether you were using. The past 5 months you've been staying out every week, two weeks, and separated. You resisted all attempts by me, friends, CR, pastor to admit you had a problem and get help.
And now, in 5 weeks, you're good. I'm sure you are sincere, but I'm not sure that coming back here is good for me and the children. They are not ready for you to come back, and neither am I.
I've literally seen the demon on your back with its claws in your brain saying "I'll never let him go." They guys who picked you up from Detox said when you saw who had come to get you, a demonic look of hate crossed your face. The reason this has escalated I believe, is that I have openly stated that you need deliverance, and the powers possessing you to use cocaine and act the way you do are not going to let go easily.
I don't hate you, I love you. But I can't invite those demons back into the house. You don't believe they are there, but I know their influence is still there. Unless you go through complete deliverance, I think that you will continue to be dragged back into using.
I am sending John a paper copy of this daily meditation by Ron Hutchcraft on the benefits of hurricanes, bringing cleansing even in the midst of destruction, so that new life can begin.
I was writing a list last night after talking to John, he is asking to come home in like 2 weeks, and I don't have an answer for him in the affirmative. I'm still praying about it. His contention that he has church, recovery groups, friends, his family, CA, NA, AA, CR -- it sounds good, like a great plan, and it could work. But here are some times that he said the exact same thing and it didn't work:
1989 - When I learned you were using cocaine (at Liberty church), when Jesse was 4. We separated for a week - I left, and they recommended that if it happen again, we separate for a month, and if again, that I divorce you. So we separated again for a month when you relapsed again.
Continually using - 1990, when I was pregnant with Dale, we separated a couple times, and you lived with another family in the church for a while.
4. When she was a newborn, I just remember her having colic and you having to leave because we weren't living together.
5. When I was pregnant with Parker, we separated and you were using the whole time, 2-3 times out of the house, I left at 8+ months pregnant with the other children and stayed with a home group leader until they took you to Alabama for a few days, then Parker was born. You went to outpatient rehab and did a couple 90 in 90s, relapsed within a few months and lost your job.
6 When Parker was 4 months old I had appendicitis/infection and surgery and you left me in the hospital and used all night with him in your care. You didn't come back to the hospital for me, or bring the baby, I had to get friends to come get me and get released the day after surgery. Came home to a wreck of the house and the pastors insisted that I not put you out. I was ready to divorce you then.
I was afraid DFACS would take the children because I had to tell them why I had to get out of the hospital right now to take care of a nursing baby.
7. When Parker was 5 - not remembering many details right now
8 2007 - 2009, pretty much using or working up to it -- acting like an addict, staying out all night or till 1 a.m., going to the movies instead of to work, watching movies in the van instead of going to meetings. I had reports from customers that you had been drinking on the job. You would leave for work, then not show up, not answer the phone, lie about jobs being cancelled and take the money. You were not going to work, staying out all night, cold, unresponsive, separated a few times, but you would just lie and say you weren't using.
You stole money from the company, wrote checks when you were not an authorized signer, took cashwith the debit card, took every dollar I had. I had to get just a couple gallons of fuel at a time so that you couldn't just go drive around and use it up and I would then have to buy more anyway the next day or so. You were living in the truck or van, and keeping it so that I could not have anyone else work.
When I asked for help with something one day, you gave me the most hateful look and said if you did in fact help me with what I needed "I was going to have to pay." I saw satanic hate - I don't think it was "you" but it was you sitting there saying it.
I felt like God was saying "give him enough rope, he'll hang himself" and it wouldn't be about me trying to find out whether you were using. The past 5 months you've been staying out every week, two weeks, and separated. You resisted all attempts by me, friends, CR, pastor to admit you had a problem and get help.
And now, in 5 weeks, you're good. I'm sure you are sincere, but I'm not sure that coming back here is good for me and the children. They are not ready for you to come back, and neither am I.
I've literally seen the demon on your back with its claws in your brain saying "I'll never let him go." They guys who picked you up from Detox said when you saw who had come to get you, a demonic look of hate crossed your face. The reason this has escalated I believe, is that I have openly stated that you need deliverance, and the powers possessing you to use cocaine and act the way you do are not going to let go easily.
I don't hate you, I love you. But I can't invite those demons back into the house. You don't believe they are there, but I know their influence is still there. Unless you go through complete deliverance, I think that you will continue to be dragged back into using.
Permanent Brain Damage?
May 14, 2009
To You,
So I missed your call today, I heard that you got to talk to our son.
We got to Nashville ok, it’s such a pretty area north of the city.
I was reading a website about cocaine addiction – the info was pretty hard to take but truthful – at least cited a lot of studies that seem reputable. As far as the statistics and long term/permanent damage done to the brain – it’s pretty bleak.
I can’t see you getting back into a van and driving around in the vehicle you used in so much. Doing work for our company just is not an option anymore. You would be triggered, especial when it’s only a few weeks. I think not having you work for the company is better.
J is doing well, hopefully he will be able to do the job.
Love, Me.
To You,
So I missed your call today, I heard that you got to talk to our son.
We got to Nashville ok, it’s such a pretty area north of the city.
I was reading a website about cocaine addiction – the info was pretty hard to take but truthful – at least cited a lot of studies that seem reputable. As far as the statistics and long term/permanent damage done to the brain – it’s pretty bleak.
I can’t see you getting back into a van and driving around in the vehicle you used in so much. Doing work for our company just is not an option anymore. You would be triggered, especial when it’s only a few weeks. I think not having you work for the company is better.
J is doing well, hopefully he will be able to do the job.
Love, Me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
This is just wrong
Spent about 5 hours driving you some clothes and your Bible, and some money for phone calls. So I'm scraping by on nothing and have to give you money, but I guess I do want you to call me.
And not collect!
I know I left you with the clothes on your back, so it has been a few days. It was surreal having a huge man in scrubs reach his arm out to take your bag, and just walk away, and drive another couple hours back home.
I had to ask our son's friend's mom if she would watch him all afternoon, and tell her why.
I know most of these folks will never let their kids come play again if they know you're home.
I've gone beyond shame and embarrassment.
And you kept calling and calling.
I can't do anything for you.
And not collect!
I know I left you with the clothes on your back, so it has been a few days. It was surreal having a huge man in scrubs reach his arm out to take your bag, and just walk away, and drive another couple hours back home.
I had to ask our son's friend's mom if she would watch him all afternoon, and tell her why.
I know most of these folks will never let their kids come play again if they know you're home.
I've gone beyond shame and embarrassment.
And you kept calling and calling.
I can't do anything for you.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Off to the nuthouse
I thought where they were taking you was better for drug detox, but you describe it as pretty much a nuthouse. Oh well. I don't have a lot of time to worry about what you are going through.
I'm not going to take collect calls, so just stop.
I'm sorry you're in pain and I know you're sorry but there is nothing I can do now. You're in the grip of the system. Institutions, jail or death. I thought we were heading for death, personally.
The police never could catch up with you.
Maybe I should have helped them a little.
You've really left me in a pickle. I'm trying to keep the business running and have no money. I'm not even spending my emotional energy on you right now.
From me.
I'm not going to take collect calls, so just stop.
I'm sorry you're in pain and I know you're sorry but there is nothing I can do now. You're in the grip of the system. Institutions, jail or death. I thought we were heading for death, personally.
The police never could catch up with you.
Maybe I should have helped them a little.
You've really left me in a pickle. I'm trying to keep the business running and have no money. I'm not even spending my emotional energy on you right now.
From me.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Day 2
To You,
So you figured out how to break into the hospital phone system by watching the nurses key in the code .... and you're calling me and calling me.
I noticed there was a policeman sitting outside your door, one for each patient in the little "containment ward" of the ER. What are they thinking, letting you use the phones? Oh, you've probably made buddies with them.
I guess it's the Irish in you, that you can talk anyone into anything. Maybe if I hadn't been so gullible I wouldn't have believed that you'd stop when we got married. Why didn't I think "What if he stopped before we got married . . .what if we waited to get married until he's sober." I think I was afraid I'd lose you.
The funny thing is, I lost you anyway . . . at least you lost yourself.
I really don't want to talk to you. I got home at about 2 a.m. -- you're not at all concerned about me, or the kids. But you're still high so WHATEVER!!
I am so glad that I started going to co-dependent recovery meetings 11 years ago. It has taken me this long to get the courage to follow through for longer than a few weeks of separation. I'm turning you over, to God and to the folks who work with screwed up addicts. Maybe they can do something with you.
They can take their time, it feels good to go to sleep and not wonder if my vehicle will still be in the driveway when I wake up, or if you will sneak in at 4 am. and take a 45 minute shower or if my debit card will be gone. And my gas. I'm glad you're far, far away.
From Me
So you figured out how to break into the hospital phone system by watching the nurses key in the code .... and you're calling me and calling me.
I noticed there was a policeman sitting outside your door, one for each patient in the little "containment ward" of the ER. What are they thinking, letting you use the phones? Oh, you've probably made buddies with them.
I guess it's the Irish in you, that you can talk anyone into anything. Maybe if I hadn't been so gullible I wouldn't have believed that you'd stop when we got married. Why didn't I think "What if he stopped before we got married . . .what if we waited to get married until he's sober." I think I was afraid I'd lose you.
The funny thing is, I lost you anyway . . . at least you lost yourself.
I really don't want to talk to you. I got home at about 2 a.m. -- you're not at all concerned about me, or the kids. But you're still high so WHATEVER!!
I am so glad that I started going to co-dependent recovery meetings 11 years ago. It has taken me this long to get the courage to follow through for longer than a few weeks of separation. I'm turning you over, to God and to the folks who work with screwed up addicts. Maybe they can do something with you.
They can take their time, it feels good to go to sleep and not wonder if my vehicle will still be in the driveway when I wake up, or if you will sneak in at 4 am. and take a 45 minute shower or if my debit card will be gone. And my gas. I'm glad you're far, far away.
From Me
Sunday, May 17, 2009
A letter to You from Me
To You,
I don't even know exactly where you are, so I don't know how this will get to you.
I dropped you off at the emergency room and left at 1 a.m. I had to get home for the kids, even though our daughter is 18, I don't want to leave her there all night. And there seemed to be nothing left for me to do.
I really felt relieved to walk away and leave you there on the bed in the ER. Let them worry about you for a while.
I'm sure I'll feel something like grief sometime. Right now I just feel revulsion.
I don't think I can even repeat some of the things I heard you say tonight, acting like "Us Junkies" are so cool. You just "did a little too much cocaine."
I have no idea where this is going to go and what it means for us and our children. I just know that I can't handle it anymore -- and you need help.
Love,
Me
I don't even know exactly where you are, so I don't know how this will get to you.
I dropped you off at the emergency room and left at 1 a.m. I had to get home for the kids, even though our daughter is 18, I don't want to leave her there all night. And there seemed to be nothing left for me to do.
I really felt relieved to walk away and leave you there on the bed in the ER. Let them worry about you for a while.
I'm sure I'll feel something like grief sometime. Right now I just feel revulsion.
I don't think I can even repeat some of the things I heard you say tonight, acting like "Us Junkies" are so cool. You just "did a little too much cocaine."
I have no idea where this is going to go and what it means for us and our children. I just know that I can't handle it anymore -- and you need help.
Love,
Me
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