Back to You

May 17
To You:
I am wondering what you want to talk to me about that you find interesting in my letters. Maybe you could talk now or write back instead of just talking about your cleaning jobs and stuff. I do appreciate that you are not complaining constantly about things that are not to your liking.

I’m sure if I couldn’t sleep due to your snoring it would be bad (this does not take too much imagination). As it is I wake up at 2:30 – 3:30 and sometimes can’t sleep, but I’m doing better at not starting to think about the problems I’m facing. They don’t tend to get solved then!
Ps. 91 is the only cure for it if I start thinking . . . three times through repeating it from memory and I’m asleep. I picture myself in the palm of God’s hand, like those pictures of tiny preemie babies being cupped in a man’s hand. Just cradled, and protected and safe.

It was great to see you today – I’m glad our son came to see you too. I wondered why you didn’t try to talk to him more – but you don’t seem to know what to say to him. I just ask him about his books or computer and he’ll eventually start on something. He feels that your location is a secret that should be kept from his friends. So he’s a little freaked about Jacob and Jessica finding out where you are. But they’re oblivious!

He has been very huggy and needed a log of reassurance. He tried to get to sleep with me but I told him I’d be up too late. Nip that in the bud.

Watching MASH-a-thon for 4 hours, it’s so good. Love it.
I’m very excited about this blog and hope that my plans for it don’t get lost in working and housework, etc. I tend to see the vision but working it out takes a backseat to everyday chores. I’m hoping it may be helpful to people in similar situations. Being anonymous, I think I can say more. I may even be more hones than I would be with you.

I wrote the first one and just couldn’t stop.
I was really freaking out, and thought so this is where we end up. Is this where it ends?
I won’t say how many years we’ve been together, but a long road. In the ER with you going to the psych ward. Great.
I’m not walking any farther along this road with you, but if you want to join me on mine, that would be ok. I felt a little guilty just walking away. There was nothing I could do for you. Except go home and take care of our children.
Love, Me

p.s. I saw a book titled Passion by John Eldridge, on the nature of sex and how the Bible talks about the marriage relationship being a picture of our intimacy with God. Trying to get my mind around that. There have been times when it was a truly spiritual experience. And then other times when I felt used, like when you were using and couldn’t get there because you were so high – and the feeling that we weren’t together, so of course we couldn’t get anywhere. But when it’s good it’s very very good. And when it’s bad, it’s horrid.

Pps: Phil 1:19-24 For I know that as you pray for me and as the spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will all turn out for my deliverance . . . Sometimes I long to go and be with Christ (be done with this painful marriage) That would be far better for me, but it is better for you (and our children) that I live. See verse 27 also.