The history -- the damage

May 21

I am sending John a paper copy of this daily meditation by Ron Hutchcraft on the benefits of hurricanes, bringing cleansing even in the midst of destruction, so that new life can begin.

I was writing a list last night after talking to John, he is asking to come home in like 2 weeks, and I don't have an answer for him in the affirmative. I'm still praying about it. His contention that he has church, recovery groups, friends, his family, CA, NA, AA, CR -- it sounds good, like a great plan, and it could work. But here are some times that he said the exact same thing and it didn't work:

1989 - When I learned you were using cocaine (at Liberty church), when Jesse was 4. We separated for a week - I left, and they recommended that if it happen again, we separate for a month, and if again, that I divorce you. So we separated again for a month when you relapsed again.
Continually using - 1990, when I was pregnant with Dale, we separated a couple times, and you lived with another family in the church for a while.

4. When she was a newborn, I just remember her having colic and you having to leave because we weren't living together.

5. When I was pregnant with Parker, we separated and you were using the whole time, 2-3 times out of the house, I left at 8+ months pregnant with the other children and stayed with a home group leader until they took you to Alabama for a few days, then Parker was born. You went to outpatient rehab and did a couple 90 in 90s, relapsed within a few months and lost your job.

6 When Parker was 4 months old I had appendicitis/infection and surgery and you left me in the hospital and used all night with him in your care. You didn't come back to the hospital for me, or bring the baby, I had to get friends to come get me and get released the day after surgery. Came home to a wreck of the house and the pastors insisted that I not put you out. I was ready to divorce you then.
I was afraid DFACS would take the children because I had to tell them why I had to get out of the hospital right now to take care of a nursing baby.

7. When Parker was 5 - not remembering many details right now

8 2007 - 2009, pretty much using or working up to it -- acting like an addict, staying out all night or till 1 a.m., going to the movies instead of to work, watching movies in the van instead of going to meetings. I had reports from customers that you had been drinking on the job. You would leave for work, then not show up, not answer the phone, lie about jobs being cancelled and take the money. You were not going to work, staying out all night, cold, unresponsive, separated a few times, but you would just lie and say you weren't using.

You stole money from the company, wrote checks when you were not an authorized signer, took cashwith the debit card, took every dollar I had. I had to get just a couple gallons of fuel at a time so that you couldn't just go drive around and use it up and I would then have to buy more anyway the next day or so. You were living in the truck or van, and keeping it so that I could not have anyone else work.

When I asked for help with something one day, you gave me the most hateful look and said if you did in fact help me with what I needed "I was going to have to pay." I saw satanic hate - I don't think it was "you" but it was you sitting there saying it.

I felt like God was saying "give him enough rope, he'll hang himself" and it wouldn't be about me trying to find out whether you were using. The past 5 months you've been staying out every week, two weeks, and separated. You resisted all attempts by me, friends, CR, pastor to admit you had a problem and get help.

And now, in 5 weeks, you're good. I'm sure you are sincere, but I'm not sure that coming back here is good for me and the children. They are not ready for you to come back, and neither am I.

I've literally seen the demon on your back with its claws in your brain saying "I'll never let him go." They guys who picked you up from Detox said when you saw who had come to get you, a demonic look of hate crossed your face. The reason this has escalated I believe, is that I have openly stated that you need deliverance, and the powers possessing you to use cocaine and act the way you do are not going to let go easily.

I don't hate you, I love you. But I can't invite those demons back into the house. You don't believe they are there, but I know their influence is still there. Unless you go through complete deliverance, I think that you will continue to be dragged back into using.