Are you there?

I called today and talked to Sparky. I asked if he really ever talked to you and he said that you avoided him; that he gathers you don't like him.

Probably sitting there thinking no one cares to talk to you, they never counsel you. I think I am sensing that you are just marking time, to say "I did it, it did no good, there's no program that will help me recover."

Someone was using your phone so I got a call today from the bill collectors. I told them you shut the phones off but they said it was reactivated and the bill is now over $400 but the lines are all cancelled now.  Another bill for you to pay off when you get out of rehab.

I found a Christmas tree for free last night and we put it up with new white balls on it, with the blue ones and Dale's red crocheted garland. White lights - it looks really pretty.  Marlie called me a scrooge because I didn't have a tree up yet. The old one smells like mouse pee.

I have some presents for the kids, they are excited. I hope that they are going to be surprised by something, seems like they know everything they're getting!

I may be able to speak to you on Christmas Eve Sparky said.  I told him you might ought to call your mom.

Of course I would like to have you here and hold you and be a family. But I don't think that's going to happen, maybe never.  I'm sad for you that you have missed out on the last few years of your kids' lives and mine.  We're not sad to not be in your drug world anymore.  It's a whole lot more peaceful and safe now. 

You're just not the person I fell in love with -- not sure if he ever existed except in my mind.

Merry Christmas darling, we're apart that's true.  But I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmasing with you.  The lights on my tree, I wish you could see. I wish it every day.  Logs on the fire, fill me with desire to see you and to say "Merry Christmas . . . darling."