So far away from me

To You,
I talked to your friend today, he said he was thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. He had gotten a letter from you, and said it was the first one that sounded a little bit concerned about anyone but yourself. Maybe starting to get your head clear a bit. Not I want this, send me money and cigars and candy, tell Shelly to do this.

Hopefully he can go visit you. He's sending you a box of stuff, so did I from your mom. She was crying, saying she didn't want you to think that she doesn't love you. She can't write or read or make phone calls well at all, and spent hours trying to get a box of stuff from Harry and David sent but ended up not being able to with the PO Box address I had given her.  So I said I would get stuff that you like that she used to get for you and send it in her name.

It's Christmas carols and getting out decorations and working while trying to fend off the debt collectors and keep everyone going. It's going ok, just a lot of work every day to keep up.  Or keep from getting behind.  I'm pretty happy most times, and sometimes I miss you but it's always with that twist of BUT, he wouldn't be with me anyway, he'd be out using or hiding or giving me the cold shoulder, reading or watching movies or driving around.  So not like you were here anyway for me the past few years.

I really wonder whether the kids will ever be able to forgive you.

It's so cold, I keep turning up the heat because it's just not getting it.  Your friend said it's not the selfish things you begin to miss after several weeks, it's not being able to hug someone or spoon with them on the couch. I miss those things, do you?

Mostly when I dream of you it's a nightmare, I'm caught off guard and afraid you've stolen something and are not supposed to be here.  Subconsciously at least, I'm glad you're gone. 
But I have had some really amazingly strange experiences in my dreams on the other hand. 
I just hope your mom doesn't die before you get your life back together and see her.

Love,
Me