It sent a shock wave through the church this morning when you got up to be baptized. And apologized to me, the pastor and the whole church. Most people were in tears - even some who have never met you.
It's funny that I have friends you've never met because you haven't been to church with me in about a year.
When you came and sat beside me and asked "Where have you been?" because I'm not sitting in our usual "spot" and you didn't see me, I thought "Where have YOU been?"
It was good. I was happy you were there.
But I'm still on guard that you won't stay - happy for you to be moving forward . . . happy you are doing well and look healthier.
But our kids are still not willing to see you or have you around . . .. still have a ways to go.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
So, you missed an awesome Christmas
It was great. I kept trying to imagine you being with us, an it kept getting harder and harder. LIke a ghost fading away in the morning, I couldn't even conjure up bad memories . . we were making new ones.
You so missed it.
I did miss you. I had some bad moments, and I think it was awkward and hard for your mom and brother. They avoided me as much as possible. But the kids and I had a really good time, even with the Malaria aka the flu ish stuff.
I heard you're not doing well. I'll keep praying that God will get your attention and break through the demons screaming in your head. Maybe one day you'll just turn around and say shut up! to them.
love
Me
You so missed it.
I did miss you. I had some bad moments, and I think it was awkward and hard for your mom and brother. They avoided me as much as possible. But the kids and I had a really good time, even with the Malaria aka the flu ish stuff.
I heard you're not doing well. I'll keep praying that God will get your attention and break through the demons screaming in your head. Maybe one day you'll just turn around and say shut up! to them.
love
Me
Friday, December 24, 2010
Making Christmas without you
I'm making the Christmas braids, and doing payroll, and blogging. Dropped the motor of the grinder (only to a chair) and then the Bosch walked off the counter and was hanging by the cord, still running!! Caught it just in time as the cord came unplugged. Sheesh.
Just can't believe it all. I keep reviewing the craziness of the past year and half, plus, 29 years of insanity, using and lying and stealing and breaking promises. And where are you?
Rehab #3.
Sparky said you could call today or tonight. So I've planned and discarded several things I'd like to say to you. I love you. I m iss you. What the hell is the matter with you? Where are you? No, you can't come home.
I'll think about you on the beach. It's kind of interesting just missing you and wishing you were here imagining the good parts. But then I always go back to reality and remember you calling me a bitch and trying to get me to kill you.
Merry Christmas.
Just can't believe it all. I keep reviewing the craziness of the past year and half, plus, 29 years of insanity, using and lying and stealing and breaking promises. And where are you?
Rehab #3.
Sparky said you could call today or tonight. So I've planned and discarded several things I'd like to say to you. I love you. I m iss you. What the hell is the matter with you? Where are you? No, you can't come home.
I'll think about you on the beach. It's kind of interesting just missing you and wishing you were here imagining the good parts. But then I always go back to reality and remember you calling me a bitch and trying to get me to kill you.
Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Are you there?
I called today and talked to Sparky. I asked if he really ever talked to you and he said that you avoided him; that he gathers you don't like him.
Probably sitting there thinking no one cares to talk to you, they never counsel you. I think I am sensing that you are just marking time, to say "I did it, it did no good, there's no program that will help me recover."
Someone was using your phone so I got a call today from the bill collectors. I told them you shut the phones off but they said it was reactivated and the bill is now over $400 but the lines are all cancelled now. Another bill for you to pay off when you get out of rehab.
I found a Christmas tree for free last night and we put it up with new white balls on it, with the blue ones and Dale's red crocheted garland. White lights - it looks really pretty. Marlie called me a scrooge because I didn't have a tree up yet. The old one smells like mouse pee.
I have some presents for the kids, they are excited. I hope that they are going to be surprised by something, seems like they know everything they're getting!
I may be able to speak to you on Christmas Eve Sparky said. I told him you might ought to call your mom.
Of course I would like to have you here and hold you and be a family. But I don't think that's going to happen, maybe never. I'm sad for you that you have missed out on the last few years of your kids' lives and mine. We're not sad to not be in your drug world anymore. It's a whole lot more peaceful and safe now.
You're just not the person I fell in love with -- not sure if he ever existed except in my mind.
Merry Christmas darling, we're apart that's true. But I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmasing with you. The lights on my tree, I wish you could see. I wish it every day. Logs on the fire, fill me with desire to see you and to say "Merry Christmas . . . darling."
Probably sitting there thinking no one cares to talk to you, they never counsel you. I think I am sensing that you are just marking time, to say "I did it, it did no good, there's no program that will help me recover."
Someone was using your phone so I got a call today from the bill collectors. I told them you shut the phones off but they said it was reactivated and the bill is now over $400 but the lines are all cancelled now. Another bill for you to pay off when you get out of rehab.
I found a Christmas tree for free last night and we put it up with new white balls on it, with the blue ones and Dale's red crocheted garland. White lights - it looks really pretty. Marlie called me a scrooge because I didn't have a tree up yet. The old one smells like mouse pee.
I have some presents for the kids, they are excited. I hope that they are going to be surprised by something, seems like they know everything they're getting!
I may be able to speak to you on Christmas Eve Sparky said. I told him you might ought to call your mom.
Of course I would like to have you here and hold you and be a family. But I don't think that's going to happen, maybe never. I'm sad for you that you have missed out on the last few years of your kids' lives and mine. We're not sad to not be in your drug world anymore. It's a whole lot more peaceful and safe now.
You're just not the person I fell in love with -- not sure if he ever existed except in my mind.
Merry Christmas darling, we're apart that's true. But I can dream, and in my dreams, I'm Christmasing with you. The lights on my tree, I wish you could see. I wish it every day. Logs on the fire, fill me with desire to see you and to say "Merry Christmas . . . darling."
Monday, December 13, 2010
So far away from me
To You,
I talked to your friend today, he said he was thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. He had gotten a letter from you, and said it was the first one that sounded a little bit concerned about anyone but yourself. Maybe starting to get your head clear a bit. Not I want this, send me money and cigars and candy, tell Shelly to do this.
Hopefully he can go visit you. He's sending you a box of stuff, so did I from your mom. She was crying, saying she didn't want you to think that she doesn't love you. She can't write or read or make phone calls well at all, and spent hours trying to get a box of stuff from Harry and David sent but ended up not being able to with the PO Box address I had given her. So I said I would get stuff that you like that she used to get for you and send it in her name.
It's Christmas carols and getting out decorations and working while trying to fend off the debt collectors and keep everyone going. It's going ok, just a lot of work every day to keep up. Or keep from getting behind. I'm pretty happy most times, and sometimes I miss you but it's always with that twist of BUT, he wouldn't be with me anyway, he'd be out using or hiding or giving me the cold shoulder, reading or watching movies or driving around. So not like you were here anyway for me the past few years.
I really wonder whether the kids will ever be able to forgive you.
It's so cold, I keep turning up the heat because it's just not getting it. Your friend said it's not the selfish things you begin to miss after several weeks, it's not being able to hug someone or spoon with them on the couch. I miss those things, do you?
Mostly when I dream of you it's a nightmare, I'm caught off guard and afraid you've stolen something and are not supposed to be here. Subconsciously at least, I'm glad you're gone.
But I have had some really amazingly strange experiences in my dreams on the other hand.
I just hope your mom doesn't die before you get your life back together and see her.
Love,
Me
I talked to your friend today, he said he was thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. He had gotten a letter from you, and said it was the first one that sounded a little bit concerned about anyone but yourself. Maybe starting to get your head clear a bit. Not I want this, send me money and cigars and candy, tell Shelly to do this.
Hopefully he can go visit you. He's sending you a box of stuff, so did I from your mom. She was crying, saying she didn't want you to think that she doesn't love you. She can't write or read or make phone calls well at all, and spent hours trying to get a box of stuff from Harry and David sent but ended up not being able to with the PO Box address I had given her. So I said I would get stuff that you like that she used to get for you and send it in her name.
It's Christmas carols and getting out decorations and working while trying to fend off the debt collectors and keep everyone going. It's going ok, just a lot of work every day to keep up. Or keep from getting behind. I'm pretty happy most times, and sometimes I miss you but it's always with that twist of BUT, he wouldn't be with me anyway, he'd be out using or hiding or giving me the cold shoulder, reading or watching movies or driving around. So not like you were here anyway for me the past few years.
I really wonder whether the kids will ever be able to forgive you.
It's so cold, I keep turning up the heat because it's just not getting it. Your friend said it's not the selfish things you begin to miss after several weeks, it's not being able to hug someone or spoon with them on the couch. I miss those things, do you?
Mostly when I dream of you it's a nightmare, I'm caught off guard and afraid you've stolen something and are not supposed to be here. Subconsciously at least, I'm glad you're gone.
But I have had some really amazingly strange experiences in my dreams on the other hand.
I just hope your mom doesn't die before you get your life back together and see her.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving - No you can't come home
To You,
I was surprised when you called, and it threw me off for a minute, wasn't aware it was you at first then it clicked.
I had wondered if you would be able to call today somehow. So it was good to talk to you but it sounded like NOTHING'S CHANGED.
It's like slapping a puppy to have to say no, you can't come home yet. No, I'm not dropping the tpo. No, I'm not ready because you're not ready.
I'm sorry for you that your children won't speak to you. We had a nice day, a great dinner, and beautiful weather. I hope you called your mom, she deserves better.
When I re-read some of this it is just so much sadder . . . every day I wonder how I'll go on without you and if you'll ever come home, and if I can make it, and how awful it would be if you didn't.
Maybe you'll be able to call at Christmas.
Please, please get it.
Love, Me
I was surprised when you called, and it threw me off for a minute, wasn't aware it was you at first then it clicked.
I had wondered if you would be able to call today somehow. So it was good to talk to you but it sounded like NOTHING'S CHANGED.
It's like slapping a puppy to have to say no, you can't come home yet. No, I'm not dropping the tpo. No, I'm not ready because you're not ready.
I'm sorry for you that your children won't speak to you. We had a nice day, a great dinner, and beautiful weather. I hope you called your mom, she deserves better.
When I re-read some of this it is just so much sadder . . . every day I wonder how I'll go on without you and if you'll ever come home, and if I can make it, and how awful it would be if you didn't.
Maybe you'll be able to call at Christmas.
Please, please get it.
Love, Me
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sry I forgot
To You,
I know we talked about thinking about each other but can't remember, was it at 9 p.m.? I think I forgot that. Have to put a reminder in my phone. I do feel like you are thinking about me at times, Mondays seem like they have been bad for you, before the day gets cranked up, and sometimes I feel your sadness.
That was always an interesting thing about our relationship, that we can sense each other's thoughts and feelings even at great distance. Now when I'm having a bad day emotionally, I figure it's coming from you and I'm able to shake it off, because there is nothing I can do about it. Hope you have a good day.
love,
Me
I know we talked about thinking about each other but can't remember, was it at 9 p.m.? I think I forgot that. Have to put a reminder in my phone. I do feel like you are thinking about me at times, Mondays seem like they have been bad for you, before the day gets cranked up, and sometimes I feel your sadness.
That was always an interesting thing about our relationship, that we can sense each other's thoughts and feelings even at great distance. Now when I'm having a bad day emotionally, I figure it's coming from you and I'm able to shake it off, because there is nothing I can do about it. Hope you have a good day.
love,
Me
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